Honest Dave

The end

2006-04-07T11:09:00.000+12:00

dearest honest dave supporters....

the chilling news is that honest dave has been de-microphoned by the good people at 'the generator' 89 fm....

my last rant took a very radical approach by suggesting that the v8 supercars to hamilton was a retrograde step that only nailed the petrol head reputation of our fair city... in my opinion we had just surfaced from the bowel of octane with the new bloomings of the rose garden when we slipped into the mire with first the arts festival 'the led zepplin' covers band and then the v8 debacle...

anyways - managment at the generator want the station to be 'pro - hamilton' and 'positive'.

as you can see... my position as social conscience of this god foeversaken place has become untenable.... so..... i apologise for the lack of honesty in your inbox.

there is however an honest 'stations of the cross' exhibition in hamilton which will be my own personal rebellion at the world at large..... though i'm not sure that i will rise again on the third radio ratings review...

minuet, v8's and zepplin

2006-03-06T09:05:00.000+13:00

Hamilton is all about honesty. We like to keep it real. We do not try to act like something we are not. we are honest hamiltron.

Indeed, is victoria st after dark not the bogan boulevard of the waikato basin? Wot say you radio listeners ?

Instead of trying to distance ourselves from the slings and arrows of outrageous mockery for being a bunch of ill mannered motorheads as fiercly anti homosexual as te rapa strait, as black as the ace of spades as bogan as bo derek in a belmont….we celebrate it. Oh yes. We like our exhausts chromed. we like fast jap cars. we like big holdens. We like fords. We like to drive up ….. and down. we like black and van halen and slayer and pantera and acdc and stereo systems that put the o into stereo and jimmy barnes at the waihi pub. We like it loud. We are true citizens of this fair town. We like standing up and being counted and will place the counter on the dashboard for all to see how we like it counted.

And yes our mayor elect has washed his hands of ever trying to wrestle hamilton out of the savage barbs of verbal abuse we suffer on a national scale. He single handedly masterminded our cities identity as one of petrol headedness, forever I fear, and other shall never never forget. We are tainted and taunted. Hamilton the land of petrol. Where booze and fags and tight jeans is the currency of champions. Yes resource management act willing, mr mayor redman will invite a fleet of super v8’s to hamilton. It is our very own latter day pearl harbour but without the surprise. We will not lose our battleships and aircraft carriers in this calamity… no friends the honest truth is much worse… even now I sense my own soul slipping into a vacuum of self loathing and lostness as hamiltron slides into a black pit of shame, lion red and carbon monoxide.

The pits may be in mill st but the real pits is yet to be unleashed.
Other cities have culture, decorum, a sensibility. We are still obviously still standing at the pak and save of culture with an empty shopping cart waiting at the check out…….

The sign on the way out of town on morrinsville road has the words hamilton in green script on a completely black background. We are honest. We know we are a black hole and we might as well broadcast it to tourists and locals alike. Hamilton. We never pretend. We are very honest.

And there was no solace at the hamilton garden art festival. As I looked to the hamilton arts festival to restore my belief in class and virtue and a modicum of respect all is yet again lost. On the bill for opening weekend was The led zep tribute band. …yes marlbourough you might have vineyards to die for, and the international sevens tournament wellington, and queenstown the winter festival… but hamilton trumps allcomers with the led zep tribute covers band arts festival and the petrol head bogan fest in 2008 only awaits us. I do not honestly know listeners whether to laugh or cry… but im sure satan is alive and well and sometimes I hear voices whispering to me to run to the hills or scottsman’s valley or boys high gully or seek refuge in the mormon temple.

Yet I have not jumped from whitiora bridge because I know I have a friend in minuet. Yes minuet the breakbeat act will be at catalyst on march 10 for their first ever gig in the tron. The 3 piece on the cover of this months nz musician magazine, the girl with pink undies and proud, the kick ass beat merchants of joy will unleash their new album and hamiltron can at least remove the razor from the wrist, albiet temporarily, in their honour.

Minuet – march 10 at catalyst. Save yourselves listeners…

This has been an honest dave rant and minuet public broadcast on the generator 89fm

biggish wednesday

2006-02-16T11:22:00.000+13:00

Big Wednesday used to be about surfing if my recollection serves me collectly. Collect me if I’m wrong, but Big Wednesday, released 1978 about Californian dreaming is about big waves. Free big waves. Waves that swell from the very bosom of tangaroa without a price tag. Oceanic waves of mass construction forming a playground for every santa barbarian punk with fiberglass and fins up for it. Big Wednesday is folk lore amongst the wax fraternity. Some things must remain. like don brash and saddam’s bunker. Don’t mess with

So not only did NZ Lottery commission steal a zillion dollars from all punters country wide who thought they’d have a 16 millioneth chance, they ripped a classic legendary iconic name like big Wednesday from every grommet who would prefer to flutter board than flutter their soft earned drug cash on gambling.

Wednesday used to be quite big enough thank you nz lottery commission. i liked Wednesday when it was just Wednesday. If Wednesday becomes big, then how will Monday and Tuesday and Thursday and Friday and Saturday and Sunday spose to feel. major Performance anxiety I suspect. wednesday will surely become big bully boy Wednesday once it thinks it’s the shizzle in the middle. Yep… mark my honest words…… im betting heads…. and tails, that Wednesday will get so far up itself its going to be looking right at the dawn of Thursday telling it to sod off till lunch..

Yep, before you know it big bully boy Wednesday will be trying to pay out all the beneficiaries on a Wednesday, whispering slander to all the pregnant solo mothers saying its bigger than all of pregnant porirua put together… give it another 6 months, Wednesday will be giving Friday the proverbial pants down and showing it it’s big calendar date by inviting the general nz workforce to knock off for 4 oclock drinks mid week – on a Wednesday. Within a year we’ll be sitting down to watch super 14 on a Wednesday. Soprano’s will be straight after. Christmas will be on a wednesday, the 25th or not. Good Friday will now be Good Wednesday and Wednesday will walk like Audrey Hepburn, laugh like winstoned peters, and speak without grace about his mother like eminem. Big styles indeed.

I just think the nz lottery commission has no right to fruit around with the days of the week. Yes Hollywood can screw the most macho stereotype known to mankind, and clint eastwood, and fixate gay cowboys at the ‘im ok - your ok’ corral. But to put a prefix, a lame adjective like ‘big’ infront of Wednesday – that’s gone too far. We stick sir in front of peoples names so their given some status. Putting big in front of Wednesday only puts it in the big sale at the warehouse category. Not really something at all really. Why didn’t they just prostitute Wednesday fully and call it ‘big ups’ Wednesday and pimp it up and down fort street in fishnet stockings. Honestly.

Lets reserve ‘big’ for people who need to be called ‘big’ – like 72hr water boy big norm hewitts bro, and like big greedy amy from small town nz.

…oh yes, this week amy our big lucky loser steals 40$ of chicken from the local butcher. butcher watches the film and can’t identify the big girl. butcher gets a still photo and puts a sign in the window ‘lucky shopper wins prize’ . our big chicken stealer enters the shop to claim her prize, gives her big details and is referred to the local police department real slow cos you can't never lose a loser like that. That’s big.

So…congratulations to the lucky winner in thames trying to remain anonymous with a new Porsche and range rover in the carport…. Good onya…may you make poverty history. And May the nz lotteries commission learn that big isn’t always better and that Wednesday is happily Wed thank you very much indeed. K-noth.

You’ve been listening to another honest rant on the generator 89 fm

hamaster blaster - the new rule in the east

2006-02-16T09:50:00.000+13:00

Sometimes strange things just happen. On Wednesday night, 6.05 pm approx I rammed a car from behind. This car was making a left turn, she was slowing and turning. …. I looked right to see also the road clear, and begin to follow her left turn.

Alas - I hit the brakes, but her vehicle looms stone cold – frigid, stationary, immovable. Not going anywhere. Stopped, stopped at an intersection… so I rammed her good. I bulldozed her like I was driving a bulldozer though i was only driving a diesel van which sometimes makes me feel big and muscular like van desiel. I rammed her good because she stopped. I got out feeling big and muscular and spitting tacks. She got out, She showed me the stop sign that happened to say stop… . I felt less van dieseil and gave her my details. She said her insurance company would get in touch with me…. Which probably won’t be to say that I’ve won a prize.

If I was a heart surgeon selling freaken truckloads of psuedo ephredrine in telfast boxes for 25, 000 dollars an hour I would probably see the funny side or at least the paranoid delusion but I use it only for medicinal purposes

As for the cops..they always go on and on about how 18 year olds always think there bullet proof behind a car. Well, my van was at least 18 years old right, and it was right behind the car and its not looking too bullet proof now. Bullet proof hilarious - A blue nissan sedan wasted it for goodness sake, officer honestly!

Sometimes you don’t know if your insured until you crash. sometimes you don’t know your pregnant until you have sex. Sometimes you don’t know you’re a vegaterian until you eat meat. Sometimes you don’t live until you die. Sometimes you have never heard the sound of one van crashing – until you crash.

When you crash, there’s that post coital moment of insured uncertainty - you’re not sure whether to think bugger with a little b or BUGGER spelt with a big B. ‘im pretty sure im not 3rd party and I’ll cry if I want too’ was the song I came to hum.

In a less important intersection in middle east politics, last week palestinians engaged in democracy –yes, democracy the golden egg of the bush administration, and voted up a terrorist organisation. Hamas, the ku klux klan of the east, now have the power of the people as well as plastic explosives. The US were not sure to think bugger with a little b or howl from the white house to tel aviv BUGGER with a capital B.

And Hamas showed signs of being really shy - they do not recognise israel. Which is pretty sad really considering their neighbours – but then I wouldn’t be able to recognise my neighbours – all I know is that their scottish, over 60 and they drive a black car. And can you recognise your neighbours? Obviuosly hamas and israel can get along.. they probably just need a diner for 6 or something, or oprah but here’s the honest dave middle east peace plan.… a road map if you will.

Palestine just needs to buy a dog, a white dog preferably, it will escape, as dogs do, and then you’ve got an excuse to go round the other guys place. Palestine will then be able to recognise israel all because of a nice dog called ‘jihad in the name of allah’,

I really do think world peace is attainable. Coca cola tried to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony and failed. but now we have the techonolgy it is attainable, the time is now. Sony playstation singstar is the answer. Where there is singstar there is love, joy and peace. Don’t make poverty history – make playstations more affordable.

You have been listening to an honest dave rant on the generator – 89 fm.

Pania of the Reef

2005-12-23T11:03:00.000+13:00

The season of christmas makes everything a little intense… and not having a chrisco hamper to unravel the tension, the season of festive
stress just continues. You can tell those citizens who have a chrisco
hamper sorted by courier don’t you?? they walk like ones who have a hamper up their khyber… all happy and laxadazy bubbly and ready to bust out the christmas mince pies without having to battle at pak and save on christmas eve… they just walk differently…

Oh to be hampered and pampered by chrisco – christmas just highlights the have nots and the have s, and the hampered and the unhampered. I am unhampered.

Not having a chrisco hamper coming to your doorstep can make you do abnormal things. A man from napier, unhampered and desperate said to himself if I can’t have my christmas mince pies and leg of ham I’ll take the next best thing… which of course was pania of the reef. Nothing like a bit of reef fishing but this girl is the kingi of the brass icon world… pania of the reef. Topless. Brass. Exotic. Stationary. What more could a young single bloke with no christmas chrisco hamper ask for. Well unfortunately, and the judge who gave the lad a year behind bars agreed
with me, he should have asked first. And not just taken pania, or at least he should have put a little money aside each week like good chrisco people do…

Some people have complained about the severity of the punishment. But the judge maintained it was fair because it was taken without asking, and pania is a city icon to napierites, and therefore an especially painful loss to all the city’s citizens – especially those not receiving a christmas chrisco hamper.

So if you get a year for stealing pania of the reef, a mythological figure, yes, albeit a topless mythological figure, but still only a mythological figure. A story about a girl and a reef.

Riff raff, of rocky horror fame, also brass, also a city’s icon – what would you get for stealing that – an icon of immeasurable recognition world wide, of immovable cult status, a celluloid screen sensation, a fishnetted statue of transsexual titillations, so fairy it doesn’t need fairy lights, more mince than a christmas mince pie, even at christmas .

yes listeners, honestly, even as we speak, young riff-raffian ruffians of bryce st and beyond are practicing their criminal motions…. Its’ just a boltcutter to the left, and a crowbar to the right….

But what would you get for hauling off hamiltons rocky horror icon. My guess is you’d get the clap and be locked up for 2 years, maybe 18 months with good behaviour. Riff raff is Hamilton tourism triumph.. Most aucklanders I know of are planning a round trip through hamiltron to their coromandel destinations in order to pay their riffspect to the big riffster…

Im just surprised really….i don’t want to be the next dave dobbyn inciting civil disobedience , but I would have I thought another tortured un chrisco hampered young person of no fixed payments put aside all year would have hacked the sheep down north end Victoria st for sure. That would have been a class addition to any nativity scene.

And so this is christmas. We remember the christmas story. Mary was hampered in a way even chrisco could not imagine. Her hamper arrived as a boy, some call the messiah the saviour of the world. An angel gave her a good credit rating and god in his infinite wisdom fixed her up real good.
An immaculate conception, a problematic delivery…. christmas is really about surprises… the queens message on tv one, a pregnant jewish 14 year old misses out on a chrisco hamper but gives birth to a messiah. You never know your luck…

This has been honest dave’s christmas message.. to you and you and you on the generator. 89 fm…

taxi santa knob

2005-12-16T12:29:00.000+13:00

people of the honest cyber world.... prepare for your christmas message:

"I do not believe in santa."

These words were spoken with conviction by my son this week. He is a 6 year old and he has seen the light, or at least the closet where mrs honest has been stockpiling toys from farmers all year.

My boy now does not believe in santa. He is a non-believer….

I wonder if when he turns 7 he will not believe in the bush administration.

Maybe when he turns 8 he will believe that this world is harsh and cold and lonely and there was never any weapons of mass destruction and that he’ll never own his own home and maybe he will want to believe in santa again….

One has mixed emotions when one’s fraudulent mythology about an old ho hoing red person brandishing a sack full of mass consumerism, the story transferred dutily from father to son, cultivated after festive season after festive season until the lie looks like truth is forceably dismissed in the child’s mind. Father Christmas, Donald Rumsfield, Ronnie Phillips – I guess all these voices in our heads have got to go sometime…..

The problem with a lack of belief in santa is that now a lame present can no longer be blamed on those bad evil elves who possess imported tools of muck metal and lack lustre quality control. ‘Bad elves’ I say when the look on the child says the present has gone pear shaped. Now, I have to confront my retail demons and own the present. It’s a pity my kids will get gift vouchers for the rest of their sorry ‘I don’t believe in santa’ lives…

This week in fair Hamilton a taxi driver has, bless him, kept the ‘christmas spirit’ alive by wearing a santa hat as he taxi’s around the streets. His taxi bosses have shat on the hat though, no festive shabbie cabbie thankyouvery much and said no siree butch…which is his real name. Hamilton taxi’s stance on the reality of santa is unclear… but it’s clear they think butch might be illegitimate and have banned him from wearing the hat whilst in their employment.

Butch claims Christmas spirit has been fingered.
i say never trust a man called butch.

If Christmas spirit is a taxi driver wearing a red hat then a guantarnamo bay detainee wearing red electric terminals clipped to his or her nipples transferred in the dead of night, to european airport destinations is obviously… he he he… in the spirit of American hospitality. Butch – Christmas spirit does not mean wearing a silly hat mass produced by a small asian non-fiction elf in a sweat shop out back northern Vietnam. No siree butch. any weirdo can wear a red hat.

Christmas spirit butch, is driving dishonest drunkards, glue sniffers and keyboard players residing outside the national bank in commerce st, a ride home without a tariff. Oh yes Butch, you would taxi the road less taxied and travel it often… a chariot for the unchosen few…

Christmas spirit butch…that’s his real name… would be taxiing the city looking for a little jewish family who might look a little dazed and confused realizing that the gaza strip on london street next to fire cats is not their promised land, might possibly have a donkey for baggage, nobody’s asked them to their work do at valentines, their eftpos is efted and isn’t accepted at hamiltons’s finest accommodation, the little jesus fulla is crying, and the only freaken place they can stay in is a empty motel on ulster street.

(As this is a modern day telling of the Christmas story the closest we can get in all realty to the feral stables and rude animals and inferior living conditions of the nativity in Hamilton is ulster st – the land of those bleedin’ boy racer motorheads and chronic noise pollutionists who haul up and down racing their engines like demented pigs on heat. no ones stays in dem motels anymore….)

and so Butch – your Christmas spirit is so token it needs to be placed in a milk bottle. And the next person who serves me in a retail outlet degrading the holy festive season of Christmas with fake reindeer horns I will truly pray for their soul.

You’ve been listening to another honest dave rant on the generator

all black nonsense

2005-12-02T16:40:00.000+13:00

Good morning listeners…

Last night I was taunted by a generator listener who said I never ranted about the all blacks. So as not to appear that I have only one testicle and a penchant for non contact sports – this morning’s rant will be on the all blacks.

However, I must confess that a rant about the all blacks will not be a marty devlin analysis and when or if I use the word maul.. I will do so without knowing exactly what it is apart from the fact that it will sound tough. Maul.

The all blacks have just completed a grand slam. A grand slam is like a grand piano. In our case, the black keys kicked the proverbial aesthetics of the white keys. The white keys are so plundered by the black keys they remain silent. This is a grand slam. Grand of course comes from the latin root grandis – meaning large. So we can gather then that for the all blacks to win over these huge rugby nations such as Ireland, wales, Scotland and England – it’s very large. Large. Slam of course comes from the playground where it’s known colloqually as a body slam – to hurt the weak fulla that knicked your play lunch from the cloak room. Maul.

Anyway.. grand slam. Way to go all blacks. I wonder though if our hammering on about us being fanatical about rugby is really true…. For instance, honest dave has an all black banner with a small adidas logo on trade me. Now, you’d think a black banner, 3.9 mters long by 1.6, with the words all blacks is every new Zealanders wet dream. Especially considering 2011. Its mint condition. Well… people prepared to be shocked….maul. A banner such as this for a mere 50$ went unsold on trade me. Un sold. Its back this week, and still I only have one watcher and has only been viewed by 78 people… the auction closes Sunday. I don’t want to be an all blacks atheist but.. I have grave concerns about media representations about a country obsessed with the all blacks when a holy grail item on trade me has to get relisted. Maul.

… next week I am putting a nuclear reactor on trade me to see how many bids that gets. That’ll tell us for sure if we really are an anti nukes country wont it… maul.

Honest dave did get up in the early hours of Sunday morning for the grand slam. … my motives though are fairly dishonest for such an honest one as i. What I really get up for is the childhood fantasy of pikelets at half time. My honest mum would always hit the frypan, not too worried about grant batty’s intercept or missing brian Williams kick a penalty from our 22. She wouldn’t care if she missed sid going’s latest hair cut. Yep – she just delivered pikelets at half time with strawberry jam and cream. Needless to say that these days my half time culinary nostalgia, the warm pikelet almost palatable on my tongue is harshly deconstructed by the sharp doof of the toaster handle. Maul.

Anyway… way to go all blacks. Maul. Grand slam. Maul. I watched the English game though. It least it was close. And it least the all blacks hugged each other…. I try to wake my 6 year old son for this part. there such healthy role models. Grown staunch blokes giving each other cuddles. I also try to get my son to go to sleep when the haka is on where they slit their own throats. This no 6 year old should see. I mean he had nightmares after watching aussies sing waltzing matilda.

As for the aussies voting against us for the world cup. Must have a short memory those Australian brothers of ours... let me say just one word to you knife in the back, transtasman traitors of Tasmania and beyond,

Gallipoli…

…and maul. Too. I forgot to say. maul.

You’ve been listening to a soft soccer player’s all black rant on the generator..

no compassion on victoria st.

2005-11-28T09:10:00.000+13:00

Good morning listeners....

Honest dave sympathise with the lovely Meter Maids this morning. A meter maid employed by the hamilton city council had a shocker in the main street of hamiltron. Queen Victoria her self would have rolled in her royal grave, rolling in sheer disgust at the absence of victorian manners shown to this parking enforcement officer who lay collapsed on Victoria st.

yes..... the waikato times says that for at least 30 seconds a collapsed officer of the parking meter, lay unattended on our street. 30 seconds.

Now we all know what victoria st is like on a tuesday. It's pedestrian mayhem. It's like new york just without the yellow taxis, hispanics, african americans, red indiansand decent bagels . Its like tokyo with out neon. Its like the que at the bottom of the eiffiel tower on a sunny french day in june... it's pedestrian mayhem.and to be definitive the waikato times said.. and i quote... 'there were people around'

honest dave this morning will attempt to calulate how many hamiltonians could have possibly passed the parking officer... and to reenact the collapse on the footpath ..something not too dramatic bit i will definetly lly horizontal with heavy breathing on the street.....right outside the casino entrance, .. sam will check his watch for 30 seconds and we will ascertain the number of pedestrians that could have, that COULD have, that had the POTENTIAL to aid the fallen officer on the pavement of victoria st on tuesday. Righto. Im gone....

(at this point sam the gen dj narrates from studio window as the 'non-action' unfolds)

(post note... 5 people walked past me.... even a woman walking behind me, even though i collapsed in front of her!! it took a minute before a council garden worker came to my aid)

there could be several reasons why nobody came to the aid of the meter maid.

1.Maybe its because people associate meter maids with food. Parking enforcers seem so hungry to deliver tickets and people are normally stung with a ticket after parking for a coffee that after 10 seconds of lying on the pavement most people knew that the parking officer would be inedible and unhygenic. Let me remind you hamiltonians that parking officers are not food. The 10 second rule does not apply to them. They may be picked up after 10 seconds.

2 maybe people thought it was some new tactic by the HCC for increased parking meter revenue. Agressive, proactive meter taxation. Maybe some thought it was a plan to distract and to deploy citizens from feeding the meter. The theory is this - coupled with 2 way radio, the fallen metermaid is told to collapse just as another warden stakes out a citizen in that pivotal posture where the right hand plonks in the pocket hoping for the chinking of suitable coinage. People who watch too much television late at night may have thought the collapsed meter maid was in deed a decoy.

3.Perhaps people thought they were on hood st, not victoria st. There are lots of hoods on hood st and a some citizens may not have wished to be hoodwinked into aiding a potential robber dressed as a meter maid.

4.Maybe they thought that because meter maids own the pavement and the parking meters and the road next to the pavement, they want to have a small smoko break-slash-collapse on the pavement.. then so be it.

5.Maybe people thought that, through the harsh lessons of experience, the only way to relate to a meter maid was to write a letter. Maybe all those that saw the fallen mater maid hurried to whitcoulls and began to write letters of sympathy not forgetting to explain the 4 reasons why they were unable to assist on this occasion and it wont happen again, yours faithfully, hamilton citizen.

6.maybe people had flashbacks of hamiltons very own commonwealth walker who suffered dehydration near the finish.....and remember the turmoil of les mill, standing right beside him - If he touched him, our NZ walker would be disqualified. This is an unlikely scenario though as meter maids always carry water on their person.

Honest dave apologises on behalf of all by standers on tuesday knowing that to bystand without byhelping when somebody is bycollapsing even when someone is emplyed by the HCC, to enforce parking bylaws and even if you are bi or hetro, there is no excuse to belie her grace queen victoria and all that she stands for on victoria st. word.

we finish this rant with the NZ musician most likely to collapse indeed on any street, not neccesarily victoria st, with Jordan Luck singing 'victoria'...

you've been listening to honest dave on the generator....89 fm...

sad kiosk of the tron and be mine tonight

2005-11-11T10:59:00.000+13:00

Good moring listeners

For those of you who were not able to cough up the 55$ for the dave dobbyn shows this week in the tron at the royal albert community pak and save theatre in Clarence st…. sit back… close your eyes…. honest dave is going to unleash the set list from the loudest living lepricorn of grey lynn

Here is the set list people:

The devil you know
Whaling
Accustomed to the light
Let the river go
You got heart
welcome home
Blind mans bend
Language
Pour the wine
Be mine tonight
Roll away the stone
Keep’n the flame
Slice of heaven
Loyal

Encore… and I could not believe it! but the band came back out and played more songs..

Beside you
Outrageous design

There you go.. you just heard all the songs and it did not cost you a cent.. honest dave again watching your back..

Its not every minstrel that the Hamilton city council lets play at the prestigious community theatre in clarence st… but what lurks in the grand ole Madison square gardens community theatre of Clarence st is a secret that lurks on the ground floor. the ‘kiosk’ was open… and I knew I was nowhere but in Hamilton.

Oh yes.. after the sensational little bushmen of Wellington played their set, punters paying $55 a ticket could retire to the ‘kiosk’ for yes… bags of potato chips, or chose from the selection of lollies in colourful plastic bags hanging on the wall like prizes at a dodgey shooting alley at the winter show. Also, you could uplift an aliminuim can of sprite or coca cola. The beverages were placed, side by side, on the counter so as to aid the punter in your decision making..

I was humilitated…. As I stared in disbelief at the ‘kiosk’ of the exquisitely named ‘community theatre’ of Clarence st I could only shudder and mumble inane comments to the keeper of the ‘kiosk’ as my mouth experienced lock jaw in the sudden realization that THIS, THIS place was my community theatre..that hip citizens like warren maxwell might have left backstage and been confronted by the kiosk in its very Hamiltonesque hitchcock horror…and lived to laugh the tale with company in the capital city…

And this I thought as my mouth locked, half my face fighting paralysis… was Hamilton in a ‘kiosk’- shell, if you will. This was it. If I had an honest polaroid… this would be the defining image of Hamilton-ness…no not Fairfield bridge, not the water tower at the lake but the kiosk of Clarence st is Hamilton-ness captured, contained, unmasked, on show

I could have run to the hills but I have a young family and a pregnant wife… that would not do. I could deny the kiosk never existed, that I never saw it, but that would not be just towards the jewish community. I could pour petrol over the kiosk during the sing along to ‘slice of heaven’ but after guy fawkes the firepersons are all dog tired – to put the fire out would put them out. I thought then maybe I could call the minister of froeign affairs and tell him there was an over-staying ‘ kiosk’ pretending to be a café in Clarence st. I was at a loss…

Anyways, kiosk aside… what you got for your 55$ last night was

5$ worth of unfunny female interuptee from audience
$7.50 of telecasters –a sunburst one and a red one
10$ of long vocal note in ‘whaling’ – a lot of lung in that little lepricorn 2.50$ of ross burge kick ass kick drum action 3$ Bones Hillman’s mighty bass lines of rhythm and whiteness on 4 strings only – keeping it real 5$ for four times ‘god bless you’s’ from saint dobbyn… 1.50 of 4 rock n roll picks on gaffer tape on mic stand. 1.50$ bird flu jokes

but that’s all small change, a nonsense, a nothing.. for the $19, a mere bargain, you got ‘be mine tonight’

a classic number – a beautiful enchanting chiming guitar crusade of open strings and twanging tone with a lead gat line that makes me feel like a new Zealander, that every day is Waitangi day…. the song sonically washed over me as if lounging in whangamata surf, as kiwi as the tune of a morepork in a cabbage tree. My spinal chord resonated. The toi tois were blowing in the wind and I was at one with aoteroa in a strange way, the song defining the brawn of our country, the bass line as bouncy and strong as any east cape hillscape…… the guitars pioneering and lusty as a forestry crew in kauranga valley the drums as inviting and as jubilant as steam through soil on a hangi pit…and when that hurling vocal tone of ‘asian cigarettes’ came thrusting up the windpipe and down the shure 58 microphone I somehow felt happy and shiny.

Yes, the dobbyn may wear white long sleeve shirts, yes we may live in a town with a kiosk but THE song remains… hallelujah…

You’ve been listening to the usual bollocks on Friday morning… and can download this and all rants on http://honestdaverant.blogspot.com….

love your work...

remember the christmas CD of honest dave is just round the corner...

Parihaka Commemoration..

2005-10-28T14:25:00.000+13:00

good morning listenersss

On the 5th november why don’t we give the fork to mr guy fawkes because he’s a spoon. Why not. why don’t we, while using our steak knives at our local guy fawkes barbie cue stake the guy for sure.. burn him on the steak like we burn our steaks on the barbie..

Its time we called this guy fawkes so called celebration a lemon. It’s a belmont. It’s a le

aky house. It’s a fridge with bad seals. its mikey havoc on ‘you wanna be a superstar’.

Let’s fork guy fawkes once for all and all for once…!!

And let’s be honest… we celebrate guy fawkes just because…we cant think of a better reason..

Now im not from the spca. Just cos a few sour pusses and hot dogs get a little close to the action – we shouldn’t ruin it for all the sensible cats and dogs who respect fire works.

Im not a member of the fire brigade. Nor a member of the girls brigade. Im not a member of any brigade advocating safety matches and fire safety badges.

No.. this rant is purely anti-guy. Guy fawkes is a bad d grade horror flick where the killer returns from the dead every year on 5 november to remind us how unimaginative and dull we are by remembering a violent terrorist plot that couldn’t be hatched, dispatched or matched. We light up to celebrate a loser and end up with the classic fizzer. If ever there was considerable evidence to diss the big bang theory – guy fawkes must be it. Nothing very big.. nothing very bang.

Nothing wrong with a few beers and a barbie with mates and giving a kid a sparkling sparkler to sparkle themselves.. but lets not pretend, and mostly we don’t care of course that something is happening here, … cos nothing is happening here, is it mr tyndyle.

Waitangi day is tricky, easter is just 2 days off for those stoned by the death of christ, queens birthday is naff, and labour day is good to test the boat out and christmas is just a birthday with different wrapping paper… anzac day rocks but that’s only one out of 365!!

Stop it I say…

Is now the time to invest some significance in our nations meager lot of sad celebrancies that are really just celibacies – sure, these dates have got legs on the calendar but nothing between these legs is getting up on the good foot… there is no seed. There aint no germinate. there is nothing going on in the sack people... Our festivals are ill conceived and barren and guy fawkes is the miscarriage of them all…

America for instance, has martin luther king day – a holiday in honour of the peacemaker who championed the black cause with his blood and dreams and big beautiful mouth..

Lets dream a little in aotearoa…

In new zealand we could honour our own staunch peace maker who wasn’t afraid of the big bad wolves of the crown. In parihaka, in 1880’s, a village in the shadow of taranaki our school books forgot to tell us about, lived a man named te whiti who welcomed followers from all tribes
to his village. They came seeking refuge, displaced by land wars and
confiscations, and were welcomed in peace.

The hunger for dirt meant the colonial powers continued to partake pasture. Te Whiti stood barefoot on his ground unwilling to let his land be carved like a fish. He prayed to his god and summoned the courage to live peace on earth, good will to all men.

On the 5th november, te whiti and his followers welcomed the colonial armed forces –poi took on cannon, where waiata greeted bayonets where children sang songs. Te whiti was arrested, his village sacked, his women raped yet he never betrayed the wairua of passive resistance. Later ghandi would get ideas…

It's as blindingly obvious as a 48 may show with lots of crowd blinders. Celebrate parihaka. Fork guy fawkes. Get soul but don’t be a soldier..

You’ve been listening to a rant sponsored by the parihaka project on the generator…

the tui awards

2005-10-21T10:26:00.000+13:00

Why is Hamilton the ugly sister forgotten in the league of rock, like a bad frock at a waikato diocesan balll..???

Why are we listened to but not ever heard?

Why is the Hamilton rock scene like the proverbial tree in the forest that no one hears falling?

Was fabulous to see Pluto play live on the new Zealand music awards – the tui’s. Was wonderful to see Hamilton represented by the bass player of Pluto, the great mike hall, who many listeners will not know – and yes an exclusive generator honest dave investigative rant reveals – that mike hall spent a year in the great tron as a student of st Andrews intermediate school.

Mike’s formative musical foundation was carved from the pre fabs of st Andrews Hamilton.. but nobody knows…

Yes, sure mike hall….was later forced by the wheels of rock n roll to say good bye to Fairfield bridge and ply his trade in the city of sails and congestion and borders bookshop and hare Krishna cafes and seriously good record shops on k-road in ak…..…….. but should the tron’s love be forgotten/. No my friends

Pluto are an underated band who’s bell has not quite tolled me thinketh. The pipeline under the ocean album is sonic beauty… tasty to a capital T. all trademark harmonies and imaginative melodic power

but is it too much to ask that mike acknowledge his roots…the geography hat maketh the band?

The Wellington sound on the tui’ s music awards got it’s fifteen minutes of fame, yes, all tied up in one song, with the extended, extended, elasta girl version of the fat freddy single….all of them Absolutely positively Wellington.

Imagine if The Pluto bass player intro’d the song…. Milan the singer doesn’t really milk his self promotion time at the microphone obviously… so it should have been game on…. Kia kaha brother……if national mp for Hamilton east, david bennnet can knock on 17000 doors to win the seat for national, how hard could it have been for the Pluto bass player to ask 3 other band mates if he could deliver an important message on the night

The Pluto bass player who spent a year at st Andrews from Hamilton could have said, and I’m sure deep down, he really wanted to…

‘ we’re Pluto, glad to be here, big ups for st Andrews hamilton

or , ‘we’re Pluto, from the root to the fruit im Hamilton through and through….. I miss you garden place…!

‘we’re Pluto, I spent a year in the tron, the residence of rock -this one's going out to Hamiltonians everwhere…. Keep the faith….’

He could have worn a t-shirt that said…. Hamilton my xhome, or I love Hamilton, or I come from the wrong side of the river. Or god bless Hamilton or even just worn a waikato beer t-shirt which probably would have been the pick of the bunch…. Ironic with a haunting sub – text of perhaps not being ironic. Very post modern.

Mike last week at diggers also had ample chance to honour st Andrews and the music teacher who taught rolling stone riffs on the recorder. Karl marx spent a pivotal year in London and we all know about it but mike remained remiss and mute.

Alas, the moments have passed ….. the people of new Zealand know nothing about the heritage of the bass player of Pluto… his gift being staunch bass lines, gift wrapped from the heart of Hamilton to the nation

Perhaps… what the Hamilton tourism council should consider for next years tui awards is employing a trombone player in a white track suit to sell Hamilton.

Mr ritolin from fat freddy’s is obviously the last cat off the skank. While fat freddy’s embellished their highly crafted sound, and the visual symphony of many cats on stage, my eye was constantly, involuntraily drawn to the track suit guy on the tui awards. Nothing wrong with track suits. … but mr track suit with a trombone to boot kicked some serious camera time with his stage maneuvers.. annoying, annoying, annoying…

No one watching the tuis could have missed the promotional potential of having a misfit in a band of severely cool people stealing 15 seconds of fame from the rest of the crew. Yes it might be shameless, but imagine if it was for a cause….imagine mike hall shouting out his turangawaewae, telling people about his personal relationship with Hamilton, saying it loud about the rose gardens -then I would have said ‘nice one’

Lets be clear… mike hall needs to deal with his denial of the tron for the good of rock in this town.

This has been an honest dave rant in support of Hamilton music on the generator…

dirty diana and how not to curtsy...

2005-09-26T17:34:00.000+12:00

good morning listeners...

Here’s a little ditty about dave (nat) and Dianne…. (lab)

david bennet and diane yates went up the hill
To fetch an electoral majority
dianne fell down and broke her ham east crown
And david came humbling after……….

I loved voting on Saturday. Though there were a couple of disappointments

1. I could’nt find where to vote for the exclusive brethren… must have been a printing error I guess. Some kind of typo.. After all the publicity the exclusive brethren got and then nobody could vote for them… strange…

2. I wish the voting could be more like the ware house where within thirty days you could take your vote back and say your not a satisfied customer and theyd give you another vote

I say this because I rang the electoral office and said its honest dave and I’d like my vote back thanks. and I have to say, people, that their customer service lacked a little … im not sure they know that the voter is always right…even when they voted wrong…

Anyways…..

The waikato times states that at 10.16pm dianne Yates made a speech to the party faithful that she was 5000 votes behind mr bennet and ‘reality told her that she was not going to make it…. ‘

Good to see Yates keeping it real there….. 5 thousand votes is a little humiliating but then whether you lose by 5 or 5 thousand you still lose. Anyway….

By 11 oclock yates and her team of losers turn up to bennets natonal head quarters. This means since 10.16 the labour camp have had 46 minutes to decide in which manner to concede Hamilton east… it’s not like she made any rash judgements, there is no pressure… The waikato times states she was drinking water and coffee…but it’s obvious she was pissed as hell.

So with 46 minutes to think about what does she do? Does she go the nelson mandela road, or the Winnie mandela road?

So first up… she tells a supporter that she is not going to lose gracefully… ‘there is too much at stake for ordinary new Zealanders…’ she says

Now honest dave is as ordinary as they come. Us Hamiltonians know what ordinary is like right! And it’s not as if david bennet is that disordinary…. He’s the brother of Gordon bennet for goodness sake..

I’m not sure that the demonized national policies of tax cuts, race relations and bulk funding is the stake upon which losing gracefully should be ignited and abandoned. Really Dianne…

Diannes decides ‘not to kiss him like she used to with tony steel’ she says. Im not soooooo sure Mr bennet was cut about that, just quietly….. but if she can drive around town with speakers mounted, full volume, prattling on about her ticks to innocent bystanders, and wear red for 6 years you’d think a peck on your opponents cheek isn’t that much of a step up…

anyways,

she walks into bennets head quarters and in form not seen since the Muldoon era…

1. tells david he showed a lack of compassion
2. tells david he was a millionaire and out of touch
3. tells david his supporters are monocultural
4. and then Robert somebody from labour starts crying about how tough the
campaign was and it doesn’t have to be this way…..……

like Christ, Mr bennet remained silent throughout the verbal stripping

then the waikato times says Dianne was hurt she wasn’t invited in for a drink. ( I think she probably was invited in but her ego and the door just did’nt fit..)

So it would appear that when Dianne loses she embraces the role wholesale and actually becomes a loser in its totality… kind of like Robert de niro as the prize fighter in ‘raging bull’. Dianne was so loserish she nearly became a new Zealand soccer player overnight. She was so ungraceful she makes transpower pylon look pretty…

Yates kept spitting the dummy so much on election night that people all over ham east have been paranoid about saliva related menningocall disease eversince

So david, on behalf of honest labour supporters everywhere… good on ya mate… the people spoke… well done… all the best…way to go blu

You’ve been listening to an unofficial apology from the labour party on the generator..

Hamilton music is sick and ill

2005-09-16T14:28:00.000+12:00

Righto……

Imagine if there were young musicians who lived in Hamilton. Imagine their sister driving a datsun. They like the word ‘the’. They think oneday they might call themselves ‘the datsuns’. Imagine a ensemble of high school unsocialbles in the music room itching to play to the masses. No one has heard them or believe them.

They decide with a musketeer shout and hurrah that they will approach one of hamilton’s drinking establishments for the opportunity to play their muse to the world… or at least part of hood st. they don’t particularly want to be famous… just want to try out their riffs and spliffs outside the world of the school music room. They believe the time is right…. They have moved on from ‘april sun in cuba’ to their own thing…

So they go to a bar called daggers where they are cut. Cut to the core. Cut by the fact that a room out the back will cost them 200$ to hire. Cut by the bar takings that go straight back to the establishment and none to the band.… cut by the economics that says that after the pa hire, poster run, and venue hire are paid for they will have to sell their instruments to pay for the gig that was supposed to be wicked and instrumental.

After being bored for a few months driving te rapa and hanging out at beef eaters they then decide to get their reform… this time with a manager. They buy some crap guitars on trade me and again decide to relaunch themselves with a stage show and wide denim jeans.

The new manager is impressive at number crunching. She decides that for the band to make a buck, f or the band to pay for the gas from nawton to daggers bar in hoodwink st and pay for a new set of strings each…and pay for the freakin venue hire and the sound engineer, and 2 parcans, the band will set a cover charge of 16$ per head. The band concur. They all passed school c economics. They agree.. a musical revolution is imminint…

On a late Friday night the band play a rockin set of rock that rocks. Its old school. Hard and memorable like the ranfurly shield. Its storming chord progressions spark off lyrical gems and something new is born.

Unfortunately, no one is there to hear it. what is the sound of no punters clapping?

The datsuns blame their naff name, the daggers extravagant room hireage and the fact there was no naked girl on the poster. Refusing to be humiliated by asking their parents for loans everytime they want to play a gig they give up dreams of NME journalistic saliva frothing and touring the states and stop playing their own stuff.

They download the tabs for ricky martin and maroon 5 songs and learn ‘play that funky music’. They play Thursday through Saturday in a dull bar singing a impotent version of Victoria onVictoria st.

Bands like:

The Shrugs
The Clerics
Amy Racecar
This Night Creeps
St Lucy, Radiator
Aether
Disjecta Membra
Mobile Stud Unit
Cosmik Ska Child
Rumpus Room
Daisy Chain Halo
Yokel Ono
Rose Petals & Confetti
Date Month Year
Frogletter
Johnny Fist
Gadget Goose
The Caledonia
The Crazy 88

… are currently in the same dire circumstance. They can’t get a gig that pays a buck..

Why is that??

a) the bands are too crap ?? not true.

It is because live original music has suffered warehouse -isatiion. If I see a pair of jandals for $ 15.00 I laugh …..knowing that I can get the same pair for a ridiculous $4.50 at the warehouse. The warehousation effect is what makes people laugh at a cover charge. They laugh at 5$ and think what they could get at the warehouse for that. The 5$ which will not even pay the room hire at daggers bar on hoodwink st. and daggers aren’t the only ones……

wot is the answer? Do we care….? Is Hamilton to be a cultural wasteland where the local scene is colonized by sad plastic covers bands or the womb of a thriving industry of experimenting original musicians?

Hamilton musicians need some solidarity. A united front who through collective enterprise can make a few things happen. And as we speak musicians in hamilton east and west, in Melville and Fairfield, even in Glenview, are plotting the overthrow of the 3 TRAVESTIES of the hamiltron music scene

a dispassionate audience
a dispossessing venue policy
and a dysfunctional publicity machine…

but The winds of change are howling… the liberation of school music rooms is now in progress… stay tuned…. Honest dave will bring you more as it pans out… the revolution is now. May the datsuns’ eptitaphs not read..THANK GOD WE WEREN’T BORN IN HAMILTRON

this weekend..Vote Hamilton music…and the sohl bar

you’ve been listening to honest dave’s rant on the generator…

The leaders debate

2005-09-09T10:33:00.000+12:00

The leaders debate. Last night. State television.

I just loved helen’s eye liner….the blue Revlon 7.2 eyeliner…stunning.… My 4 year old daughter really works some magic with the eye liner, but Helen last night took it to a new level. What eye liner did for marilyn manson’s career has obviously been analysed by the election wizards in the labour camp and I suggest it might be a coup that surpasses george speight’s attempt. I mean ….. I thought it really worked. Can I say on public radio that helen looked hot. she looked good – hot red jacket and all…

And I mean that with all the respect that can be respected for the prime minister of aotearoa…
I mean, they cant give her voice liner obviously… she still had that menacing tone of I eat rotweillers for breakfast, if she was a spice girl than she’d be scary spice for sure, and when she clears her throat you kind of wince….. and I was really surprised that any of the politicians last night had the testicles to try and talk over her…. That takes real courage. …but the eyes… she was glam in a reserved gary glitter style that said I am hip, here I stand and I can do no other …I have my well manicured electoral finger on the pulse..

And the hair??? I think it was a good hair night quite frankly. It was suave and a little saucy. Not the standard watties tomato sauce though…. The hair delivered…. It had panache and bounce and a silky sheen that combined with that fabulous eye liner made the blessed voice of the clarkmeister somehow golden. Hair, eyeliner and student loans – victory combo!! National party might have the exclusive brethren… but watching Helen last night and the impressive handiwork of the weta workshop signatured all over her…… when is the media going to start berating the labour campaign for that????

And we needn’t have worried that Winston will hold the balance of power this election. His performance last night was a tour de force in how to stroke your ego so vigourously that it became in fact masturbation. Censorship was needed. Winston’s self love was so embarrassing, his self importance so domineering, his self inflicted pompous rhetoric so grandiose he talked up him self out of his seat, and the whole new Zealand party out of the whole freakin lounge suite. Winston is out of the house as fast as a new Orleans citizen can say im not black or hispanic and I have my own transport thank you very much in the wake of hurricane Katrina. He’s gone. Winston is out of there…There is now only standing room only in the new Zealand party.

Rodney hide should exercise his individual personal freedom and run and hide. It’s the final act. In fact he was so rancid, so Rodney hide that he was Rodney hid!

Peter dunne – captain sensible. Said sensible things. Jeanette fitzsimmons – marijuana (suck) isn’t (suck) a (suck) crime
(suck) issue… nice tinnies around her neck.

Jimmy anderton - loved that story about the haka how race relations is all about how all new Zealanders can do the haka. If only eva rickard had known that story she wouldn’t have had to strap herself to the raglan golf course. Such a waste. Jimmy is Captain unsensible.

Pita sharples. Casual dresser.

The good doctor Brash. Tax cuts, tax cuts, tax cuts, tax cuts, tax cuts etc etc etc etc Brash hasn’t yet made love to the camera.

I was concerned however that Hamilton, the obvious answer to solving auckland’s congestion issue wasn’t addressed. Nor was the serious issue of a youth justice borstal for 8 young crims in hillcrest thrown about. I would have liked to have heard rodney’s view on these issues…. Sadly, we probably never will…

You’ve been listening to doctor honest dave on the generator…

Winston Peters...

2005-09-02T12:06:00.000+12:00

Good morning listeners…

I love elections. It’s Winston time. Its quality Winston time. The king pin. The king maker is back. The Liberace of politics comes out on stage… its show time. I love it….

And I have to tell you … that billboard of him and the little ripples of surf. It’s a political postcard. it just tickles me..and as pictures say a thousand words I will tell you know what the bill board is trying to say to honest dave.

If nz first is trying to relate to Hamiltonians like us, the campaign has sadly missed the boat. If Winston had ever been to visit the many tourist attractions of Hamilton like…um……….. the Hamilton rose gardens he would know that there is no salt water in Hamilton. Us Hamiltonians do not surf locally. We do not leave home and come back in 10 minutes with snapper for the family frypan. No one in Hamilton has suffered a shark attack or the rub of a jelly fish. If anything, winston’s campaign is subtle mock of Hamilton and it’s isolation from the sea, a new Zealand party in house, laugh at the inlanders, tauranga is on the coast, we are the power brokers etc etc. its really just childish and cheap and I’m surprised Rodney hide missed some mileage there.

Somedays the billboard makes me want to get in my Toyota and whip over the kaimai’s and look for anyone in a pin stripe suit who looks too smug and tell him on behalf of Hamilton citizens everywhere that Hamilton is where it happens and that we have a town and the river runs through it and we are damn proud of it even though we cant boogie board it….. and we are quite happy with that and I’ll tell him he can shove his tidal, salty, unfresh water and all the pipis that go with it, right down the small gullets of the full membership of grey power.

What is Winston doing on the beach anyway?? I do think it’s ill advised and quite insensitive to Hamiltonians, as well as surviving victims of the recent tsunami….. but that’s just my honest opinion.

Maybe the billboard is a nod to the foreshore debate. The billboard says to me:

here I , Winston peters, kind of sort of stand, on the foreshore belonging to all new zelanders, and even though I might raise the heels of my well polished shoes to the surge of maori renaissance (that’s the water), note that my heels are raised and they shall sink back deeper in to the sands of nz foreshore for all new Zealanders shouting long live captain hobson and ideologies of ‘we are all one’. I’m on the beach wearing a suit and smart shoes but I shall not be moved, thank you very much media spotlight.

Or maybe its more of a subtle message.

Winston on the beach with small waves looks like, just at the crucial click of the camera, he’s smelled some pootang on his shoes. He has a keen sense of smell old Winston – is the smell on his heel the classic beach dog turd of a Labrador? Or is it more the smell of rampant immigration rising from the, as-pictured, definitly –soiled- by -asian boat-people-who –have- no –right- to -refugee status- water that so offends the Winston nostrils?? Wasn’t he on talk back this week claiming the new all black haka was a clear sign of immigration policy gone wrong in this country???

I think it sends mixed messages to kids too. It says yes be sun smart, cover up on the beach, wear a suit if poss…. But it doesn’t really look like he’s at the beach to push play for 30 minutes. Nor is he heel raising between the flags…

He does want our party vote though… so maybe the billboard is a clue… nz party is offering a beach party…. Maybe the barbe and sausages were cropped out of the shot.

If you could bottle the karma of the Winston than I’d sure hope the mrs would buy me some for fathers day…… he’s got more staying power than Viagra..

We love you Winston.

This has been another honest political broadcast by honest dave on the generator..

#81 more I hate inxs and RIP Lange!

2005-08-19T10:46:00.000+12:00

good mornings people....

the cd release of HONEST DAVE VOL 1 is only hours away...... this is more exciting than a paper clip on trade-me, and i know you will have your credit cards at the ready....

in the meantime... a rant:

… ….. I still, I still can not get my head around it. my head is not that big, my nose is quite big though true, but getting my head and nose round the inxs show is quite some feat. Rockstar Inxs. Its something frightening and I feel unclean. What do us taxpayers pay our chief censor to do in this country????

I have renamed the band as an act of protest. They have rogered themselves. collectively they are now known as ‘inxsrogered’. they are now in the same league as the teletubbies. I will smash my inxs records with a hammer though not my eastwing because my east wing hammer is sacred.

Is our world so soiled, so rotten, so jaded, so full of vice and greed that a band could so violate themselves, and all they represent for the vultures of reality tv? I today Today, and from this day forward they shall not be called musicians but be called ‘telewhores’, crass, ill
witted, hagged has been hookers with bad hair. The debt they now owe society is now fathomless.

Wot are they thinking? Was their nana’s outfit at their twenty firsts insufficient embarrassment? Did they not do stink class speeches in the fourth form?? did they not shy at having raging acne before the school ball?, - why ? why? the show is not even a fundraising event for the Sudanese or for Rwanda or Ethiopia for petes sake. It’s nothing… just schlock mock rock.

Do these ex band members of inxsrogered have children?? Do they not care for their offspring who have to endure humiliation/ridicule week after week in their respective communities and places of employment ??

And while inxsrogered still continue to relieve themselves on the grave of the late Michael hutchence …us viewers at home all hold hands, cross fingers and pray that jessica makes it to the top job in fronting inxsrogered.

David lange passed away this week. Petrol rose another 4 freakin cents, but at the pump this week I just smiled and paid my respects to david. Yes, petrol will rise and fall but david will not rise again. The big man has gone.

David lange made being a prime minister look easy like a Sunday morning. he had a stapled stomach with a mouth that would not fit between any stapler and a non stapled set of lungs to power it. A brief word to him was recorded as ‘wombat’. Imagine john campbell asking david what he thought of ‘inxs rockstar’. Im sure david would have made some deft quip of merit….. and probably in agreement with honest dave.

Mr lange was not an all black. Did not play npc. Did not make even the odd club match. Did not even clean his boots for the otahuhu school first fifteen. Sadly, in his day there was no high school sumo wrestling of which he might have very well been a champion. No, mr lange did not climb mt everest. He was not an Olympian anything… but he could talk. No, he didn’t talk he spoke…eloquently …and like a spoked wheel he rolled with the punches and up hills

I vividly remember him standing up in a cheesy black suit debating the nuclear free policy. He was a man with vision and had the voice to deliver it. and the collective pride in this man who so masterly crafted word and thought and deed was tangible in this country….no mean feat.

He will be remembered for his statesmanship, as a wordsmith, but maybe more for the empathy for the disadvantaged displayed in his electorate and beyond.

you've been listening to honest dave on the generator...

dave

highway one to ak

2005-08-12T18:28:00.000+12:00

One of the great rites of passage for all Hamiltonians growing up in this fair town is to navigate the illustrious highway one to Auckland. Forget the train through the swiss alps…. The tarseal near the mighty waikato is the shizzel even in drizzle..

Sadly, Many travelers don’t come back once having made this trip. Many never return. Many wash their hands of the waikato basin, they come down the bombays, weaseled by the sky tower, they strap into the promised land like jewish people before the bulldozers turned up to tell them they were mistaken and it was just the gaza strip and not the promised land.

Honest dave has made3 trips to Auckland this week. A sense of nostalgic arousal even overcomes me when I get past the burger king gatekeeper of terapa, search the hakamarata horizon and wind down the window and ride the clutch all the way to greenlane roundabout, maybe get off at symonds st, though others prefer fort st for that……or sometimes I even go further. Sometimes I go all the way, take it to the bridge and make it to the north shore….

The best part is always the embarrassment of the stinkin horotu meat works. ….. I always find it uncomfortable when you have a backpacker from germany in the front seat, sniff a little, assumes you have passed wind, becomes restless as he seeks fresh air whislt in the corner of my eye I see my passenger looking in that my- grandfather- served- for-the-third reich- in-the- second- world- war- and- did- you- just- drop-your-guts- you-svine-hoont-right -here –right- now-look… as you sail past the affco factory of farm animal dismemberment…

There’s so many fabulous tourist photo opportunities along the way…

The prime ministers motorcade of incredible speed just could not have happened on this road. Helen would have to have snatched the Polaroid for sure…

No.1 … the ngarwahia township shop roller door murals. It’s an underated work that really deserves to be recognized. I guess after the artists death we will celebrate the work preserving them as nz icons, graphic symbols of the social cost of the 1984 labour government. People will bid for them on trade me and be so gagging for the ‘buy now’ option that new Zealand art collectors will break the keys on their laptops.

No 2. Tuaragawaewae, the crown marae of the taunui people, the palace of the queen…. A stones throw of the main track and still king george’s rail cart with shiny knives and forks could not stop for a hangi with the maori queen on the way to Wellington …

No. 3 The Taupiri maunga in all its spiritual richness reaches out of the fog of an august morning, the mountain of the tainui. In the 1800’s the colonial roading dept made such a sensitive attempt to embrace maori kaupapa that they put the main road, and the national railway right slap bang beneath it. I suspect Maori collectively felt like Mrs Shane Warne.

But then none of this cultural empathy was part of my psyche as a kid riding in the golden calf… the gold holden station wagon on lpg with cranking 20 watts of alpine per channel which strode out on a Friday night to take in the sights sounds and songs of the rocky horror show at the Avondale picture theatre…..

No. 4 no road trip is worthy without refreshments, the oasis of pokeno looms Hokey pokeno! I miss pokeno…amd all its licking icecream ation. even if you didn’t stop for a double cone or one of the 7 death wish pedestrians stalled on the centre line, pokeno had a vibe. It’s a shame..to see it just a motor way exit…

And then it’s to the big lights and carbon dioxide of queen st after midnight…

Nice place to visit, but the magic is always in the ride…

You’ve been listening to honest dave’r rant sponsored by transit new zeland. On the generator…

Troy Flavell comeback

2005-08-05T11:24:00.000+12:00

Reality tv……

Mr troy flavell ex all black hard man has been send ing graham henry love letters from japan. Flavell was in town this week to play some footy and footsy, the footsy to be with graham henry under the all black negotiating table. Troy, who has a well documented fetish for putting his fingers in eyeballs and sprigs in heads is apparently gagging for a chance to be taken seriously by the all black coach. Yes liseteners Troy tarantino flavell on the comeback trail….

Being a person of much sympathy I called up Troy on Wednesday night, cos my wife thinks he’s hot and would definetly watch the games if they brought back her ‘troy boy’ as she calls him, anyway… to cut a very long story short.. I called him up cos he’s a relation of the mrs from up north. And anyway… I said to troy… you want to learn a fing or two and watch this program call ‘rockstar inxs’.

Troy said wot the !… and I said .. easy cowboy…

So I said to him in the nicest possible way, whilst wearing goggles and head gear, that 80’s rock band inxs and you troy flavelll are both has beens. Has beeeeen.

Troy didn’t like that very much, so I just said I have witnessed many ridiculous suprising events in my life… my mountain buggy baby stroller tyre blew up once on corner of heaphy terrace veral street, the new warehouse store at the base, and the chiefs cheerleaders at rugby park and not to forget my daughters birth beside a toilet on a sand pit cover. but more ridiculous, troy I said mate…m ore ridiculous than weapons of mass anything in iraq is rockstar inxs. He being from japan was not savvy.

I gave him the facts straight:….but im sure he thought I was talking bollocks I said to him….

Aussie rock band inxs, are looking for a new front person to front their band.

On tv

Infront of millions of tv viewers…

All members of the band are seen on tv.

They play , they judge, they seem older but not mentally ill, no catheters, they seem coherent incharge of their faculitie and not taking the proverbial piss. They are serious.

The contestants are filmed in their mansion. Some have names like Brandon and Ty.

Dave Navarro…….and I said to troy..Im sorry troy…. This hurts me bruv… dave Navarro.. guitar god..of janes addiction and the chillis… is a host/. A host troy…

Troy asked why the band just didn’t invite the cameras in to film all of them relieving themselves on Michael hutchence grave ?

I said to troy that I wasn;t finished and that females like daphna, heather and dana were trying out for the front persons role. Are you still there troy I said..

I said there is nothing sacred. Troy said nothing is sacred… he said nothing is sacred, especially eyeballs……and that if he ever meet the show’s producer he’ll be fully rucked up he said…

I reminded him of his luck with sanzar judiciary . I said in the days when fair dinkum rockstars inxs with a respected body of work torture the reputation of their former friend and singer on the rack of a ‘reality tv show’ it shows that nothing is sacred and maybe it shows too that we can all live forever…and that dreams never fade and we can all be popular and fame can never be crushed.

Troy warmed to my thoughts…

The rest of the conversation between mr flavell and mr honest dave is unfortunately confidential due to contractual obligations and can not be broadcast on air.

But people…. And troy has signed up just quietly… On your screens in august … adidas have sponsored the first ‘BACK IN ALL BLACK COMEBACK REALITY TV SPECIAL’ back in all black comeback reality tv special… hosted by billy bush and a sports celebrity with name suppression, produced by graham henry … troy flavell needs your votes people…

And Michael… try to rest in peace my man.

You’ve been listening to honest dave’s Friday rant on the gernerator.. this and every Friday round 9.30…

Backpacks and Bombs

2005-07-29T18:52:00.000+12:00

The back pack maketh the soul brother,.
The back pack maketh the man
The back pack make yo walk with a swagger….. and so says nz king of hip. mr che fu

Before the London bombs che fu could stroll his suburban grey lynn with the knowledge that his back pack was harmlessly strapped on his back so back off jack if you thought havin a crack at the daddy mac would cut you some slack….

Not now. Not now…Mr fu is in the poo. Mr fu is now havin his telephone bugged because if anyone is going to be a prime suspect for bombings in aotearoa I suggest che ‘backpack’ fu will be in the top 5. No figures on mosque attendance, but his embrace of the back pack is nothing but extremist. Winston peters has his number

The back pack is now no longer defined as a mere creation to compartmentalize and carry your personal goods. The backpack is now no fashion statement. No siree madam.. the backpack is now a symbol of terror with a capital T.

I suggest when che fu goes on tour to the mother land and rides the tube between Trafalgar square and sheperds bush he taketh the back pack off and leaves the head phones at home…… just in case in he misses the quite important words of the local bobby saying ‘ stop now or I’ll blow your f’n head off’

Its quite sad how bombs disfigure people. How bombs demonically rearrange the physics of atoms and souls. They also literally smack to smithereens the affection for our cherished weight on our shoulders.

Will che fu be seen hip hopping with back pack next music video. No he wont. no. he won’t. his record company will ask him to distance himself far as far as poss from any association with terror cells. He wont even be able to holiday in backpacker accommodation round the country.

…and mark my words, if retailers are gonna pull grand theft auto san andreas from the shelves because of illicit sex scenes, they’ll be unloading back packs from the walls of the warehouse - too right mate.. far too dangerous in the hands of impressionable young persons… smart money will be invested in the burgeoning brief case industry.

And call me a conspiriscist, meaning a person who propagates conspiracies, and I’ll say a polite ‘hello’.
Initial newspaper commentary regarding Michael Cullens’ slashing of student loan interest this week seems short sighted. I say the timing of Cullen’s announcement straight after the july bombings in ole blightey says it’s more about creating a culture of ‘back pack ‘ resistance than buying votes.

Honestly, its soooooo obvious people

The nz police force, God bless them… after rifling through MR fu’s house of course, will ask the question:

how the hell are we ever going to find bombs in backpacks of the student world, the hotbed of radicalism, when 95 percent of the stud. pop. wear the damn things???

Easy I say. Cullen’s zillion dollar slashing of interest on student loans frees up cash in the hand for a whole new wave of luggage carrying students to upgrade to a more expensive unit of text transport. satchel and briefcase are now the new black.

Many will buy the briefcase. It will be geeky no more.
The satchel will again be sexy in the city.

And this, my friends is why you should vote Dianne Yates this election…..In michael cullen country the bombers and their backpacks and their bombs will stick out like big buddha’s kneecaps.

Magic. Any unwarranted blind cop could spot one…

You’ve been listening to a Labour Party political message disguised as an Honest Dave rant on the generator..….

DVDs and NZ Idol

2005-07-15T09:26:00.000+12:00

Why would you pay for it??? Relax brothel goers… im not here to question the wisdom of your disposable income…. Im ranting right now about the epidemic of people purchasing DVD’s.

I can never work out why people buy dvd’s. people I know….and you’ve probably witnessed it too ….people actually buy DVD’s and take them home and make them line up on the shelf like show ponies or sit on top of each other like Iraqi prisoners. Displayed publically. People have ‘collections’ of DVD’s in their lounges...and they seem proud. I can not figure it and honest dave did well in school c maths.

D o these people not know that they can hire dvd’s from video stores ? Do they not know…..???? For my money I say there is probably 2 very crusty Japanese soldiers still bayoneting through the jungles of burma unawares of the emporer’s surrender shouting ‘torra torra’….and as I speak there probably is a very old Chinese person or a moa, or a black panther thing or a yeti still panning for gold in the hills around arrowtown unaware the gold rush has not really rushed lately………yet…… I sense reasonably that no one in our society with ears to hear and eyes to see could fail to notice see the signs . DVD’s at video stores. There should be no suprises there….. But just in case…because to assume would make a donkey out of Donald and you and me and an ass out of an asteroid….Soooooooooooooooooooo, once and for all….. let me broadcast an official bulletin to the world

THERE ARE DVD’S FOR HIRE AT ALL VIDEO STORES. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BUY THEM.

And what’s more…. At my local shop if you go on a Tuesday you can hire them for a week for the same money I get paid for doing this rant on the goodship the Generator.

I REPEAT. THIS IS AN OFFICIAL BULLETIN. DVD’S NOW FOR HIRE IN YOUR LOCAL VIDEO SHOPS, YOU CAN COME OUT NOW… YOU CAN HIRE THEM!

Film students aside….what is the appeal of having carton loads of DVD’s legally enshrined in your name, where ownership is titled to you.?. Why are people queing up at public trust office to secure their DVD collections from family members they do not like?

Am I missing something ?… are dvd’s like yams in papa new guinea where the people go out, ‘wham bam thank you yam’ and put all their yams on shelves as chiefly status symbols. You cant eat dvd’s though……..

Are DVD’s the new investment seeing coastal property has gone soft? Will DVD investors like a good forest of radiata pine see 20% return after 20 years. Are these people stockpiling ‘dirty dancing’ DVD’s starring Patrick swayze thinking they’ll pay for their kids tertiary education in 2035….

Am I missing something? How romantic are these people?? Hey baby…. Lets watch steven siegal in ‘under siege’ again. You know it does it for us…. Oh yeah….

I REPEAT.people. DVD’s HAVE LANDED…..AND THEY ARE FOR RENT.!!!

I just don’t get it… a multiple viewing, like multiple sclerosis damages the central nervous system. You become a little defective.

How funny is adam sandler the 2nd time…???? Answer…..quite funny.

How funny is adam sandler the 4th time??

Answer...not that funny at all….

How funny is adam sandler if you actually paid full retail price and BOUGHT the DVD ??

Answer….. very not funny.

And the truth is when you start PURCHASING DVD’s it’s a slippery slope to consumer hell where you will look at a marantz plasma tv model PD505DS which sells for 12 thousand and 999 $ retail, that’s 250$ a week, and you wont even think that’s silly or think what would Jesus do??

However, I am near Capillian heights of hypocrisy and NZ IDOL is responsible…. The idol sequel returns!! Nz’s very own talent competition starring stars and moonbeams has strangely tempted me to break my vows and start my very own embarrassing collection of DVD’s…either that or putting up a 5$ prize pool for the kids to see who can find the remote first.

The judges on new Zealand idol last Sunday inflicted carnage on innocent wanabee idols that was unspeakable. Twit judge Paul Ellis was beyond reasonable clout when he asked one singer ‘who told you you could sing?’. The contestant said ‘my mother did’, and Paul said ‘she must be tone deaf’.

What bombs do to buses, judges are doing to fragile people on national television on Sunday nights. She wasn’t a great singer, but you could tell she genuinely believed it in her heart that the noise she made was beautiful to somebody. Ellis’ comments were appalling, cheap, nasty, unnecessary and makes me reach for my imaginary DVD collection and imaginary Marantz plasma screen and press play and if any of my relations end up under the judges knife on that program im gonna just plain shoot up the tv while wearing glasses and sideburns in a frenzied rage, and post pistol smoking i will relax in a lazyboy repeating the rewarding closure of sir Edmund hillary

I knocked the bugger off/I knocked the bugger off/

I knocked the bugger off / I knocked the bugger off.

I say if that’s family television then TVNZ should sponsor every house hold in new zealand with a free steven seigal DVD of their choice.

Forgive me ben lummis, but nz idol makes very feel very black on the sabbath. It’s tv programming for bully’s.

Go eat horse everyone…!!!

You’ve been listening to a very long rant on the generator.

Faretheewell to the Breakfast Host

2005-07-14T11:03:00.000+12:00

I am wearing black today, not because im rooting for the all blacks, not because I love ponsonby, not because I paid money for the latest dave dobbyn album, not for the damaged and dead people of London, but I wear black today people in honor of the passing of glen Dwight – better known as glen of the generator.

My debt to him is mountainous. He discovered honest dave when I was a mere nobody – dishonest in fact. No sense of right and wrong, a severed conscience, as dishonest as Robert mugabe playing scrabble. Glen took me from sparodic utterances to the heavyweight world of socio-political radio commentary, to the very top of the airwaves of Hamilton, straight to the pool room of the radio frontier of Hamilton, to the glowing utopia of broadcast – level 3 of the axa building. And there I found nirvana… what we all search for if we look deep within ourselves – the new rock alternative…..

And to think before I was ‘discovered’, I was just like you average people out there who only knew glen in a superficial aural sense, you out there who can only wonder about the man behind the voice, behind the microphone, on the breakfast show. I not only have entered level 3 of the axa building… I have personally met the man behind the voice behind the microphone behind the breakfast show format…….and I am a better person for it.

And so in homage glen, I will rip your staple Top 5 format.

Top 5 reasons why glen is leaving the generator for work in radio in Wellington.

1. Wellington offers sanctuary from militant paparazzi from the Hamilton press who take no prisoners, stalking him all over hamilton in a crusade for the ultimate prize….as yet unsnapped… A shot of glen wearing comfortable shoes with a tidy haircut.

2. wellington embraces masters of alternative radio format who refuse to play supertramp, hello sailer, april sun in cuba and Elton john. To not play Elton john may sound easy but remember – brian tamaki tells us people that the media is a modern day wichcraft controlled by a powerful left homosexual lobby. Elton free radio is no mean feat. Big ups glen.

3. wellington offers organic cafes that are not corporate boardrooms for property developers and careerism.

4. wellington offers new pavements for the naked feet of glen. Like ghandi, and mother Theresa, he refuses material comfort and walks humbly uncovered. His feet have been bored for some time with Alexandra st.and have put in for a transfer.

5. glen’s secret desire to be don brash’s speech writer is now one step closer with a move to the capital.

The breakfast show host is the modern day seer, prophet, confidant, santa claus, informant, a recognized voice, an identity that gives a sense of community to many.

Glen you have served your radio world with verbal gems and a damn fine brew of music, making friends of listeners and listeners out of friends, today we mourn the loss of a personality. It’s as if the wiggles have lost jeff.

In a world of ai quedda terror cells, nz idol, and shopping at the warehouse we have lost our beacon to help us navigate our mornings. We are lost along the waikato river.… the loss of glen Dwight from the generator, to quote bryan adams, cuts like a knife…

Charge your glasses one and all…….All the very best glen…. Always a pleasure never a chore… you will be missed…

You have been listening to honest dave’s rant on the generator

Frost

2005-07-04T09:23:00.000+12:00

A couple of weeks back on honest dave’s morning rant, I proposed that FOG could be the zietgiest, the very spin that takes Hamilton into tourist dollars unmatched since Denmark launched LEGOLAND. But I fear I have merely sold half the story, robbed the diary from little India, and asked too much of FOG.

Monday’s FROST was nothing short of pristine. Nothing moves. The air seemed to just dance it’s little cold jig in slo mo. FROST is not an ugly cold – it’s polite, it has manners, it says please and thank you. Monday’s frost was a classic – there’s something about the big fresh, the smoke of breath, the virgin crisp that just reeks of being born again. It’s as if, once in a while the rain takes a sickie and buggers of to the beach with some loose clouds and the wind would like to too but just can’t be fagged and……..?

Mr FROST then silent like a white ninja kicks ass on glass and makes moves on grass. It’s very pleasing.

FROST can of course be mean. Last year’s FROST killed 3 out of 4 of my small green plants I called family. They were outside plants, but still family. They never made it to the deck, never once entered the potted hallowed sanctuary of the lounge where FROST has a trespass order and tv is sometimes on. No, the lower caste plants were bitten in the a.m. and gone by lunch. Who knows the ways of the FROST. People, - it’s a garden out there!

But on Monday, FROST was forgiven. I would have swam in that frost if it was a tad deeper….…..or if I didn’t have breasts. FROSTBATHING is under-rated.

There is something magical about FROST that says all can be redeemed, that the past can be waived, that history need not be repeated. FROST sparkles a second chance even if your on your fourth husband.

FROST whispers to mud – harden up. FROST whispers to water – slow down. FROST says to naked people – put your clothes on.

It is time for HAMILTRON to embrace nature’s taonga in all it’s guise’s. There so is a bone in the marketing cupboard my friends. So what if Ngai tahu have kilo’s of greenstone? And who cares if Huntly has black gold formerly known as coal?

Let’s not be shy!! A winter in hamiltron is absolutely the north island equivalent to a winter in Queenstown or Wanaka – we just don’t have skifields or snow. But we do have FOG and we do have FROST.

I am booking an interview with the mayor, Michael Redman..and I’m walking into his probably not oval office, and I’m gonna wear my white t-shirt emblazoned with our city’s new slogan:

HAMILTON – FOGnFROST

And it will have a picture of 2 very cold shrivalled testicles….. but it won’t be offensive because you won’t see them because of the fog strategically placed over top.

Oh yeah, and then I am going down to patent a new drink. If paeroa can get mileage out of a humble piece of yellow citrus, then Hamilton could bottle it’s FROST, something edgy like that ‘crush’ and I say let’s affiliate with the mandarin. Let’s bottle our frost, add some manda, and launch a tour-de-force crush for the local market and beyond:

…….wait for it

…….drum roll

……..TA DAAAAAAA

‘ICE MANDARIN AND HAMILTON’

lemon and paeroa will be merely an exhibit in te papa that we’ll show our kids. The tron’s new taste will be labeled with 3 juicy images of peeled mandarins dipping salaciously into a white field of FROST tinged with the green of grass, cows in the background.

Genius.

FROST is our friend Hamiltonians – let’s milk it like we milk everything else…

You have not been listening to Honest Dave on the Generator

katie holmes prime tv

2005-06-24T10:55:00.000+12:00

Katie holmes….
Katie holmes’
Katie holmes
Why for art though engaged?

To tom
Tom who?
Tom who ?
Tom who?

You want a cruise
Well I’ve got wheels
It may be imported Japanese
But I could be your main squeeze

You want a cruise
I got a Toyota, I could be your Toyota boy toy boy
I got a Toyota with a motor
You want a cruise
I got a Toyota camry 1991
White, 5 door family wagon
Tyres from budget tyres on greenwood st
Worth jack
no stereo

But I got a Toyota with a motor baby

Katie holmes your prime tv
Katie holmes your prime tv
Katie holmes you and me

Im not even sure tom cruise is his real name
Are you sure Katie?
What is his springsteen brilliant disguise?
What is his ruse that he should call him self cruise?
Is he taking you for a ride my pretty?
Does he really cruise like a missile?
Or cruise luxury liner?
Or does he cruise in the harsh light of middle age like a brown75 healing cruiser with a chopper guard and a flat tyre?

C’mon my honey
How does he cruise Katie?
How does he cruise Katie?
What is his ruse Katie?

Is the cruiser not a bruiser Katie?
Will he make your brown eyes blue
Will you be the sad rabbit like in watership down
And force art garfunkel to sing ‘brown eyes’
In your honour?
How does he cruise Katie?
You and your high heels
your tyres smoke and peel
How do his wheels spin your wheels baby

Don’t forget Katie
I’ve got a Toyota with a motor
I got a Toyota, I could be your Toyota boy toy boy
I got a Toyota with a motor

Tom who?

Katie, Katie
My phobia is your utopia
My phobia is your utopia
How could this be so?

Tom who?
Tom cruise
A snake like a cobra
Features on oprah
And like a czech man driving a skoda
Speaks of love and tenderness
And in front of a live tv audience
Gushing floods of passion
While his skin sheds and changes fashion
He slithers Katie in his sights
While moody blues play nights in white satin
and in that moment,
I am cold and still

………And im ill as I watch
Watching tv with an ouch
See a grown man jump on a couch
As honestly as honest dave can
Watching something beautiful
And truthful
Clean and pristine
Favourably comparably nice as my wife
Katie holmes Katie queen
In front of a live tv audience
Scored, clawed
Hot and shot
Torn mercilessly
By a tom cat holding a smoking top gun

I throw a grenade
And blow up my tv
I lock myself up for self harm wont help
And crys and weeps and moans
By the shrine of miss holmes
When you hear from the wall of the next door flat
That the little man with the silly grin
The tom of tom.com
Feels young again even though he is old and sold
He has begun the open cast mining of the heart of the holmes
Up dawson’s creek without a hassle
For she is grossly intomscicated
And she has been since she was 4
And somewhere over paris she will pledge
Herself to him and swear

And I swear too
…………….And I am now a time bomb
For a I had sent katie a letter
A scented letter I had sent her
For worser or better
And told her that I had a toyota with a motor
Told her that I had a toyota with a motor
And could take her for a cruise if she should only choose

And I open my ranch slider
And ask the outsider
A bmx rider called Ralph schneider
why it is that hitler should have left
The Eiffel tower standing

For on this tower
now is the hour
after 49days public relations
one bad actor who’s a good scientologist
A little man with a silly grin
Who after mimi and nicole got the flickture
Pops the question and pops my bubble,
And he said, she said ‘she does and will’
She disses the dick and the harry
And decides ill advisedly to marry
And Tom takes katie’s hand
And formalises another wifely fixture
While a tourist steals his picture

But Katie Katie dear
In all truth not slanted
It is to your esteemed advantage
To listen to this rant to save yourself carnage

There’s still time
you can break it off like a bad cough

Tom is not really race car driverTom does not fly war planes upside down
Dear, he is not really even a samurai warrior

But he is this – tom cruise you are dead to me…
Katie holmes you are prime tv

You have been listening to honest dave’s obsession on the generator

Jackson Rant

2005-06-17T10:48:00.000+12:00

The reading for today comes from the book of Jackson, from a very strange testament. and verily \Michael looked at the camera, and spoketh directly pitching his voice high said “I love children and my heart shares with a love that shares its bed”

The king of pop recently made media history by making such a statement on television and seemed to suggest that to share his bed with a child is as normal and caring as sharing your bus seat with a senior citizen. Unfortunately he made this statement forgetting to do the moon walk, and so without a dazzling dance display the audience could only focus on what the king of pop man said. Which was unfortunate for him. Michael would do well to learn the lesson of talking less and moon walking more. Also Unfortunate for him, television stations could not cut to any 30 million dollar, 39foot statue of himself being towed down a barge on the river thames. There was no distraction people…no white glove, no hair on fire, no daughter of elvis, no moonwalk, no statue.. He said it. he likes sleepovers… with boys. Word. On film. Categorical.

In retrospect it was maybe just as well Jackson failed his Hi 5 audition instead becoming a member of the little known Jackson 5 instead. that was very lucky for aussie boys and Ayers rock. Never land would have looked a bit funny in the aussie outback next toAyers rock. And imagine… you’d have ended up with lindy chamberlain screaming feverishly in the middle of the night with a wild flashlight howling ‘ a jacko’s got my 12 year old baby’. That would have been poor.

And, You’d think that if Michael was going to have kids over for a gunny time of childhood action then you’d think he’d roll out the pepsi cola, sing a bit of playstation singstar , moonwalk, play pin the nose on me and say watch me do the moon walk again. Now that would have been an ok to fair sleepover. Sadly though I cant really be sure; Honest dave never had a childhood due to my cruel stern father homeschooling me with a rigorous schedule of pre pubescent rant writing from the age of 4.

But that sounds like an ok sleep over ….but why, why did uncle michael have to come up with the ‘share the bed’ policy.

Did he put ‘thriller’ up on the plasma screen for a nice bed time video with hot milk AND ZOMBIES? Does he not remember that if he only left the lights on in the kids room then they wouldn’t have been scared of the ghosts and jumped from the matresses? Does he not know that all kids fears can be dealt to with a flick of a switch, with or without a moonwalk, and a 100 watt bulb??

I think Mr Jackson was stretching it a little to suggest the sharing of the bed is the kernal, the very moi, for the brotherhood of world peace. Not so. Mankind down this path is a sure walk through the bloodied graveyard of dead shared bed militants who couldn’t agree on choice of duvet cover AND pillow slips. Wot? Is there no plunket nurse in America??

And what about scabies. Scabies is not scratch and win. A shared bed makes a bed plague out of bed play. Dangling babies ok, but dangling tangling, scabies. No way. not good. No sirree

So Good night Michael. May your recording career now be mute so as to keep pure the delicious 80’s vinyl that remaineth.

And as for me and glen and george thorogood – we sleep alone..
You have been listening to honest dave’s morning rant on the generator.

Cafe's in the 'Tron suck

2005-06-10T11:09:00.000+12:00

Wellington

Just got back from Wellington

I love wellington. Honest dave was born in Johnsonville for goodness sake. Wellington, though ritually abused by weather systems, even with a fountain with red and yellow and blue buckets in cuba st, it seems a city that has a soul…..

Of course, any citys temperature can only be gained by the willful insertion of a thermometer reamed into the backside cafes of the urban streets. And so I traversed my favourite haunts in Wellington in honour of the goood queens birthday ….thermometer in hand…

In Hamilton, Richard obrian, in his alter ego Riff raff might now be encased in BRONZE celebrating the heritage of the musical mastermind and his rocky achievement, but listeners why did he have to skip Hamilton to write the sucker???

Why? Well, honestly, Where could he go? And where could any latter day Richard obriens go to sketch a work in progress, to discuss whether it should be a jump to the left or how frank to make franknfurter? Indeed, Which café in Hamilton would be congenial to such a PERSOn ?

Why is there a wretched dearth of any café that boasts a charming, relaxed impoverished flat lounge feel that the capital city relishes… the tron’s café’s have a clean, antiseptic mix of new paint and plush vinyl slash leather. Coffee is the naff paint of choice which explains everything..
In all of them you could imagine one don brash, posing with a moccachino, without a hint of an incongruous background. Our cafes are forgettable. our cafes are haunted by ghosts of power point demonstrations past. I would like to see more cockroaches in hamiltons cafes….they all seem a little cold, overated with concrete, clean lined, halogen lit, and spatially defined. In fact I would go so far as to label our coffee houses sterile. I suspect Che Guevara would have shunned all watering holes and in disgust found his refuge in ‘6 feet under’ to plan his communist overthrow.

In Wellington there are cafes that feel Marxist, earthy, soft seated, warm as an open fire,, postered and sellotaped, multiple piercing friendly, mung beaned, more rastifarian than totalitarian, and cater for a vision of coffee drinking that is blatantly social rather than catering for careerism and property development. It just smells different.. it has a dynamism within its own walls… The music is loud and the place flares your nostrils..

The crux is that the people within the walls are some how allowed to shine as fine art themselves. the people are inspired to rule, and not whisper politely. a Café experience as fertile womb is yet to be conceived in south hamiltron to our city’s detriment.

I don’t want to throw my phone, or start a ‘bring back pigeons crusade’, but is it too hard to wonder if we could have a café in Hamilton that gathers artists and poets and musicians and designers and people that wear headphones and skateboards and cardigans and make a place for like minds to create and discourse and share humanity. we lack spaces that would, by the mere state of it’s shagged carpet, cracked plaster, anti-bourgeious décor and lack of well placed indoor plants inspire sentiments of revolution., or at least celebrate the weirdness of being human for which james k Baxter said there is no cure.

Viva le wellington

AND Lets, now conclude with a 10 second silence for Katie Holmes.

(SILENCE)

You’ve been listening to honest dave on the generator!