Mother's Day and Foot & Mouth

hey people - you can hear a rant every friday morning, 89 fm in h-town, or on MP3 at the generator... cheers

Listeners – we all have one. They may have gone awol but if your breathing.. even you out there breathing out of a plastic bag underclaudelands bridge this morning, you have one. we are all brothers and sisters of another mother. We all have enjoyed the slippery cervix ride of birth. All have known the embrace of the ample motherly bosom.

ON mothers day as for me and my conscience, I got up early and made the mrs a serious round of pancakes. Im no chef, I just tried to get the flash in the pan and cooking with a moderate temperature. I tried real hard. A bit of gour - MET on the side with some melted camemBERT. I cut a fejoia not in half like, but sliced in the vertical… vertical fejoias… asethic yet seasonal.. Fried some ripe bananas. As the late Robert palmer knows – some like it hot. Tossed in a few grapes. Red AND green. Covered all bases. Pulled out all the pips. Dripped yoghurt on the side. Squares of orange. Grated chocolate. Finally dropped a guzzle of whiskey maple syrup like fat freddy and rolled 2 perfectly semi fluffy pancakes, with a smidgin of icing sugar… circularly symetrical 280 diameter by maybe 3ml for all you tradesmen out there ….. Damn fine pancakes. Better than a

new 4 wheel drive in pauinui.

So anyway, ... the experience left me hollow. I blame michael hill. If it wasn’t for michael hill and his insipid henchmen of television advertisers these adds that construct women as mere flakey superficial consumers of anything glitzy and gorgeous and that comes with a ring tone of a cash register. For every thing else. Visa. Women it seems tend to submit to michaels braclets and charms easily.

Now I don’t mind making pancakes or babies, within the confines of a committed relationship.. for sure. I just don’t like the feeling of being molested by the media to conform to an image where by males on any given mothers Sunday are EXPECTED to come up with the goods or be removed from the whanau christmas party, or risk the inheritance bach at whanga in respect to your own mother. Or, If no presents gift wrapped are presented as per michael hills instructions on this day in regards to the mrs, complete with pancakes in bed all sexual favours for a month are decreed null and void. When U2 sang Sunday bloody Sunday it wasn’t political. It was just another song about mothers day.

The point is all women take Bob Marley and put there twisted spin on it. Get up, stand up and do the lawns. Which is the core point of my rant – you all know that system chicks have now where everything has points - toast is 1 point and toast with butter is 2 points and toast with chocolate icecream is 6 points etc .. Well in a womans world all things come with points. Its just Like fly buys/

Let me break it down..

There is a house. - There is the outside of a house. There is the inside of a house. The man beast rules the outside. The woman wolf rules the inside. Woman wolf wants man to work inside as well as outside. Man beast wants to work outside primarily and preferably. Woman wolf always counts the points

The rules are thus. Any man beast work involving sweat out side has no points. Lawns - no points. Landscaping – no points, jackhammering no points, etc Though the one exception for woman wolf is that man beast hanging washing with pink pegs earns 5 points.

And this is the rub - Where the vacuum cleaner meets the carpet if you like - the fact is that every single chore inside the house is of merit and carries points . A woman vacuuming house is 20 points, her cleaning the oven 25 points, her cleaning a toilet 30 points but a bloke building a shed or changing the oil – 0 points. James brown was wrong about the state of the world my friends.

I guess I would like Mothers day to be more of a win win situation where the woman wolf mother gets credit and credit cards and pancakes and vertical fejoias yet at the same time the man beasts hunter gatherer gains credit doing his thing outside in the ¼ acre without being bent over by the woman wolf to pack the dishwasher.

As for the 'why the heke …is it a hoaxi… that’s vexing the nation . its simple… the cops fail to realise that Monday’s scare followed mothers day.

On Sunday some guy cooked pancakes with vertical sliced fejoias and grapes and had his manhood spurned by his mrs after felling trees in the yard with his chainsaw. No points said the wife rolling her eyes to the dusting gagging to be done. Feeling drained he wrote a letter to the political matriarch of the country, helen, outlining a tax system which would be fairer outside and inside the house, a recalibration of the points system if you will, for every mrs and mr, for every new zealander. A a small virus was thrown in just in case letters carried no points with the helen matriach. He thought a million bucks for Mother’s day 06 fair consolation whereby if needed he could, if he decided, visit Micheal Hill jeweller after all. It is no hoax – its just a desperate man, with little mana, who hates dusting. Enough is enough.

You’ve been listening to honest dave’s morning rant on the generator…