Friday, December 16, 2005

taxi santa knob

people of the honest cyber world.... prepare for your christmas message:

"I do not believe in santa."

These words were spoken with conviction by my son this week. He is a 6 year old and he has seen the light, or at least the closet where mrs honest has been stockpiling toys from farmers all year.

My boy now does not believe in santa. He is a non-believer….

I wonder if when he turns 7 he will not believe in the bush administration.

Maybe when he turns 8 he will believe that this world is harsh and cold and lonely and there was never any weapons of mass destruction and that he’ll never own his own home and maybe he will want to believe in santa again….

One has mixed emotions when one’s fraudulent mythology about an old ho hoing red person brandishing a sack full of mass consumerism, the story transferred dutily from father to son, cultivated after festive season after festive season until the lie looks like truth is forceably dismissed in the child’s mind. Father Christmas, Donald Rumsfield, Ronnie Phillips – I guess all these voices in our heads have got to go sometime…..

The problem with a lack of belief in santa is that now a lame present can no longer be blamed on those bad evil elves who possess imported tools of muck metal and lack lustre quality control. ‘Bad elves’ I say when the look on the child says the present has gone pear shaped. Now, I have to confront my retail demons and own the present. It’s a pity my kids will get gift vouchers for the rest of their sorry ‘I don’t believe in santa’ lives…

This week in fair Hamilton a taxi driver has, bless him, kept the ‘christmas spirit’ alive by wearing a santa hat as he taxi’s around the streets. His taxi bosses have shat on the hat though, no festive shabbie cabbie thankyouvery much and said no siree butch…which is his real name. Hamilton taxi’s stance on the reality of santa is unclear… but it’s clear they think butch might be illegitimate and have banned him from wearing the hat whilst in their employment.

Butch claims Christmas spirit has been fingered.
i say never trust a man called butch.

If Christmas spirit is a taxi driver wearing a red hat then a guantarnamo bay detainee wearing red electric terminals clipped to his or her nipples transferred in the dead of night, to european airport destinations is obviously… he he he… in the spirit of American hospitality. Butch – Christmas spirit does not mean wearing a silly hat mass produced by a small asian non-fiction elf in a sweat shop out back northern Vietnam. No siree butch. any weirdo can wear a red hat.

Christmas spirit butch, is driving dishonest drunkards, glue sniffers and keyboard players residing outside the national bank in commerce st, a ride home without a tariff. Oh yes Butch, you would taxi the road less taxied and travel it often… a chariot for the unchosen few…

Christmas spirit butch…that’s his real name… would be taxiing the city looking for a little jewish family who might look a little dazed and confused realizing that the gaza strip on london street next to fire cats is not their promised land, might possibly have a donkey for baggage, nobody’s asked them to their work do at valentines, their eftpos is efted and isn’t accepted at hamiltons’s finest accommodation, the little jesus fulla is crying, and the only freaken place they can stay in is a empty motel on ulster street.

(As this is a modern day telling of the Christmas story the closest we can get in all realty to the feral stables and rude animals and inferior living conditions of the nativity in Hamilton is ulster st – the land of those bleedin’ boy racer motorheads and chronic noise pollutionists who haul up and down racing their engines like demented pigs on heat. no ones stays in dem motels anymore….)

and so Butch – your Christmas spirit is so token it needs to be placed in a milk bottle. And the next person who serves me in a retail outlet degrading the holy festive season of Christmas with fake reindeer horns I will truly pray for their soul.

You’ve been listening to another honest dave rant on the generator

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