Monday, November 28, 2005

no compassion on victoria st.

Good morning listeners....

Honest dave sympathise with the lovely Meter Maids this morning. A meter maid employed by the hamilton city council had a shocker in the main street of hamiltron. Queen Victoria her self would have rolled in her royal grave, rolling in sheer disgust at the absence of victorian manners shown to this parking enforcement officer who lay collapsed on Victoria st.

yes..... the waikato times says that for at least 30 seconds a collapsed officer of the parking meter, lay unattended on our street. 30 seconds.

Now we all know what victoria st is like on a tuesday. It's pedestrian mayhem. It's like new york just without the yellow taxis, hispanics, african americans, red indiansand decent bagels . Its like tokyo with out neon. Its like the que at the bottom of the eiffiel tower on a sunny french day in june... it's pedestrian mayhem.and to be definitive the waikato times said.. and i quote... 'there were people around'

honest dave this morning will attempt to calulate how many hamiltonians could have possibly passed the parking officer... and to reenact the collapse on the footpath ..something not too dramatic bit i will definetly lly horizontal with heavy breathing on the street.....right outside the casino entrance, .. sam will check his watch for 30 seconds and we will ascertain the number of pedestrians that could have, that COULD have, that had the POTENTIAL to aid the fallen officer on the pavement of victoria st on tuesday. Righto. Im gone....

(at this point sam the gen dj narrates from studio window as the 'non-action' unfolds)

(post note... 5 people walked past me.... even a woman walking behind me, even though i collapsed in front of her!! it took a minute before a council garden worker came to my aid)

there could be several reasons why nobody came to the aid of the meter maid.

1.Maybe its because people associate meter maids with food. Parking enforcers seem so hungry to deliver tickets and people are normally stung with a ticket after parking for a coffee that after 10 seconds of lying on the pavement most people knew that the parking officer would be inedible and unhygenic. Let me remind you hamiltonians that parking officers are not food. The 10 second rule does not apply to them. They may be picked up after 10 seconds.

2 maybe people thought it was some new tactic by the HCC for increased parking meter revenue. Agressive, proactive meter taxation. Maybe some thought it was a plan to distract and to deploy citizens from feeding the meter. The theory is this - coupled with 2 way radio, the fallen metermaid is told to collapse just as another warden stakes out a citizen in that pivotal posture where the right hand plonks in the pocket hoping for the chinking of suitable coinage. People who watch too much television late at night may have thought the collapsed meter maid was in deed a decoy.

3.Perhaps people thought they were on hood st, not victoria st. There are lots of hoods on hood st and a some citizens may not have wished to be hoodwinked into aiding a potential robber dressed as a meter maid.

4.Maybe they thought that because meter maids own the pavement and the parking meters and the road next to the pavement, they want to have a small smoko break-slash-collapse on the pavement.. then so be it.

5.Maybe people thought that, through the harsh lessons of experience, the only way to relate to a meter maid was to write a letter. Maybe all those that saw the fallen mater maid hurried to whitcoulls and began to write letters of sympathy not forgetting to explain the 4 reasons why they were unable to assist on this occasion and it wont happen again, yours faithfully, hamilton citizen.

6.maybe people had flashbacks of hamiltons very own commonwealth walker who suffered dehydration near the finish.....and remember the turmoil of les mill, standing right beside him - If he touched him, our NZ walker would be disqualified. This is an unlikely scenario though as meter maids always carry water on their person.

Honest dave apologises on behalf of all by standers on tuesday knowing that to bystand without byhelping when somebody is bycollapsing even when someone is emplyed by the HCC, to enforce parking bylaws and even if you are bi or hetro, there is no excuse to belie her grace queen victoria and all that she stands for on victoria st. word.

we finish this rant with the NZ musician most likely to collapse indeed on any street, not neccesarily victoria st, with Jordan Luck singing 'victoria'...

you've been listening to honest dave on the generator....89 fm...

Friday, November 11, 2005

sad kiosk of the tron and be mine tonight

Good moring listeners

For those of you who were not able to cough up the 55$ for the dave dobbyn shows this week in the tron at the royal albert community pak and save theatre in Clarence st…. sit back… close your eyes…. honest dave is going to unleash the set list from the loudest living lepricorn of grey lynn

Here is the set list people:

The devil you know
Whaling
Accustomed to the light
Let the river go
You got heart
welcome home
Blind mans bend
Language
Pour the wine
Be mine tonight
Roll away the stone
Keep’n the flame
Slice of heaven
Loyal

Encore… and I could not believe it! but the band came back out and played more songs..

Beside you
Outrageous design

There you go.. you just heard all the songs and it did not cost you a cent.. honest dave again watching your back..

Its not every minstrel that the Hamilton city council lets play at the prestigious community theatre in clarence st… but what lurks in the grand ole Madison square gardens community theatre of Clarence st is a secret that lurks on the ground floor. the ‘kiosk’ was open… and I knew I was nowhere but in Hamilton.

Oh yes.. after the sensational little bushmen of Wellington played their set, punters paying $55 a ticket could retire to the ‘kiosk’ for yes… bags of potato chips, or chose from the selection of lollies in colourful plastic bags hanging on the wall like prizes at a dodgey shooting alley at the winter show. Also, you could uplift an aliminuim can of sprite or coca cola. The beverages were placed, side by side, on the counter so as to aid the punter in your decision making..

I was humilitated…. As I stared in disbelief at the ‘kiosk’ of the exquisitely named ‘community theatre’ of Clarence st I could only shudder and mumble inane comments to the keeper of the ‘kiosk’ as my mouth experienced lock jaw in the sudden realization that THIS, THIS place was my community theatre..that hip citizens like warren maxwell might have left backstage and been confronted by the kiosk in its very Hamiltonesque hitchcock horror…and lived to laugh the tale with company in the capital city…

And this I thought as my mouth locked, half my face fighting paralysis… was Hamilton in a ‘kiosk’- shell, if you will. This was it. If I had an honest polaroid… this would be the defining image of Hamilton-ness…no not Fairfield bridge, not the water tower at the lake but the kiosk of Clarence st is Hamilton-ness captured, contained, unmasked, on show

I could have run to the hills but I have a young family and a pregnant wife… that would not do. I could deny the kiosk never existed, that I never saw it, but that would not be just towards the jewish community. I could pour petrol over the kiosk during the sing along to ‘slice of heaven’ but after guy fawkes the firepersons are all dog tired – to put the fire out would put them out. I thought then maybe I could call the minister of froeign affairs and tell him there was an over-staying ‘ kiosk’ pretending to be a café in Clarence st. I was at a loss…

Anyways, kiosk aside… what you got for your 55$ last night was

5$ worth of unfunny female interuptee from audience
$7.50 of telecasters –a sunburst one and a red one
10$ of long vocal note in ‘whaling’ – a lot of lung in that little lepricorn 2.50$ of ross burge kick ass kick drum action 3$ Bones Hillman’s mighty bass lines of rhythm and whiteness on 4 strings only – keeping it real 5$ for four times ‘god bless you’s’ from saint dobbyn… 1.50 of 4 rock n roll picks on gaffer tape on mic stand. 1.50$ bird flu jokes

but that’s all small change, a nonsense, a nothing.. for the $19, a mere bargain, you got ‘be mine tonight’

a classic number – a beautiful enchanting chiming guitar crusade of open strings and twanging tone with a lead gat line that makes me feel like a new Zealander, that every day is Waitangi day…. the song sonically washed over me as if lounging in whangamata surf, as kiwi as the tune of a morepork in a cabbage tree. My spinal chord resonated. The toi tois were blowing in the wind and I was at one with aoteroa in a strange way, the song defining the brawn of our country, the bass line as bouncy and strong as any east cape hillscape…… the guitars pioneering and lusty as a forestry crew in kauranga valley the drums as inviting and as jubilant as steam through soil on a hangi pit…and when that hurling vocal tone of ‘asian cigarettes’ came thrusting up the windpipe and down the shure 58 microphone I somehow felt happy and shiny.

Yes, the dobbyn may wear white long sleeve shirts, yes we may live in a town with a kiosk but THE song remains… hallelujah…

You’ve been listening to the usual bollocks on Friday morning… and can download this and all rants on http://honestdaverant.blogspot.com….

love your work...

remember the christmas CD of honest dave is just round the corner...