Backpacks and Bombs

The back pack maketh the soul brother,.
The back pack maketh the man
The back pack make yo walk with a swagger….. and so says nz king of hip. mr che fu

Before the London bombs che fu could stroll his suburban grey lynn with the knowledge that his back pack was harmlessly strapped on his back so back off jack if you thought havin a crack at the daddy mac would cut you some slack….

Not now. Not now…Mr fu is in the poo. Mr fu is now havin his telephone bugged because if anyone is going to be a prime suspect for bombings in aotearoa I suggest che ‘backpack’ fu will be in the top 5. No figures on mosque attendance, but his embrace of the back pack is nothing but extremist. Winston peters has his number

The back pack is now no longer defined as a mere creation to compartmentalize and carry your personal goods. The backpack is now no fashion statement. No siree madam.. the backpack is now a symbol of terror with a capital T.

I suggest when che fu goes on tour to the mother land and rides the tube between Trafalgar square and sheperds bush he taketh the back pack off and leaves the head phones at home…… just in case in he misses the quite important words of the local bobby saying ‘ stop now or I’ll blow your f’n head off’

Its quite sad how bombs disfigure people. How bombs demonically rearrange the physics of atoms and souls. They also literally smack to smithereens the affection for our cherished weight on our shoulders.

Will che fu be seen hip hopping with back pack next music video. No he wont. no. he won’t. his record company will ask him to distance himself far as far as poss from any association with terror cells. He wont even be able to holiday in backpacker accommodation round the country.

…and mark my words, if retailers are gonna pull grand theft auto san andreas from the shelves because of illicit sex scenes, they’ll be unloading back packs from the walls of the warehouse - too right mate.. far too dangerous in the hands of impressionable young persons… smart money will be invested in the burgeoning brief case industry.

And call me a conspiriscist, meaning a person who propagates conspiracies, and I’ll say a polite ‘hello’.
Initial newspaper commentary regarding Michael Cullens’ slashing of student loan interest this week seems short sighted. I say the timing of Cullen’s announcement straight after the july bombings in ole blightey says it’s more about creating a culture of ‘back pack ‘ resistance than buying votes.

Honestly, its soooooo obvious people

The nz police force, God bless them… after rifling through MR fu’s house of course, will ask the question:

how the hell are we ever going to find bombs in backpacks of the student world, the hotbed of radicalism, when 95 percent of the stud. pop. wear the damn things???

Easy I say. Cullen’s zillion dollar slashing of interest on student loans frees up cash in the hand for a whole new wave of luggage carrying students to upgrade to a more expensive unit of text transport. satchel and briefcase are now the new black.

Many will buy the briefcase. It will be geeky no more.
The satchel will again be sexy in the city.

And this, my friends is why you should vote Dianne Yates this election…..In michael cullen country the bombers and their backpacks and their bombs will stick out like big buddha’s kneecaps.

Magic. Any unwarranted blind cop could spot one…

You’ve been listening to a Labour Party political message disguised as an Honest Dave rant on the generator..….

DVDs and NZ Idol

Why would you pay for it??? Relax brothel goers… im not here to question the wisdom of your disposable income…. Im ranting right now about the epidemic of people purchasing DVD’s.

I can never work out why people buy dvd’s. people I know….and you’ve probably witnessed it too ….people actually buy DVD’s and take them home and make them line up on the shelf like show ponies or sit on top of each other like Iraqi prisoners. Displayed publically. People have ‘collections’ of DVD’s in their lounges...and they seem proud. I can not figure it and honest dave did well in school c maths.

D o these people not know that they can hire dvd’s from video stores ? Do they not know…..???? For my money I say there is probably 2 very crusty Japanese soldiers still bayoneting through the jungles of burma unawares of the emporer’s surrender shouting ‘torra torra’….and as I speak there probably is a very old Chinese person or a moa, or a black panther thing or a yeti still panning for gold in the hills around arrowtown unaware the gold rush has not really rushed lately………yet…… I sense reasonably that no one in our society with ears to hear and eyes to see could fail to notice see the signs . DVD’s at video stores. There should be no suprises there….. But just in case…because to assume would make a donkey out of Donald and you and me and an ass out of an asteroid….Soooooooooooooooooooo, once and for all….. let me broadcast an official bulletin to the world

THERE ARE DVD’S FOR HIRE AT ALL VIDEO STORES. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BUY THEM.

And what’s more…. At my local shop if you go on a Tuesday you can hire them for a week for the same money I get paid for doing this rant on the goodship the Generator.

I REPEAT. THIS IS AN OFFICIAL BULLETIN. DVD’S NOW FOR HIRE IN YOUR LOCAL VIDEO SHOPS, YOU CAN COME OUT NOW… YOU CAN HIRE THEM!

Film students aside….what is the appeal of having carton loads of DVD’s legally enshrined in your name, where ownership is titled to you.?. Why are people queing up at public trust office to secure their DVD collections from family members they do not like?

Am I missing something ?… are dvd’s like yams in papa new guinea where the people go out, ‘wham bam thank you yam’ and put all their yams on shelves as chiefly status symbols. You cant eat dvd’s though……..

Are DVD’s the new investment seeing coastal property has gone soft? Will DVD investors like a good forest of radiata pine see 20% return after 20 years. Are these people stockpiling ‘dirty dancing’ DVD’s starring Patrick swayze thinking they’ll pay for their kids tertiary education in 2035….

Am I missing something? How romantic are these people?? Hey baby…. Lets watch steven siegal in ‘under siege’ again. You know it does it for us…. Oh yeah….

I REPEAT.people. DVD’s HAVE LANDED…..AND THEY ARE FOR RENT.!!!

I just don’t get it… a multiple viewing, like multiple sclerosis damages the central nervous system. You become a little defective.

How funny is adam sandler the 2nd time…???? Answer…..quite funny.

How funny is adam sandler the 4th time??

Answer...not that funny at all….

How funny is adam sandler if you actually paid full retail price and BOUGHT the DVD ??

Answer….. very not funny.

And the truth is when you start PURCHASING DVD’s it’s a slippery slope to consumer hell where you will look at a marantz plasma tv model PD505DS which sells for 12 thousand and 999 $ retail, that’s 250$ a week, and you wont even think that’s silly or think what would Jesus do??

However, I am near Capillian heights of hypocrisy and NZ IDOL is responsible…. The idol sequel returns!! Nz’s very own talent competition starring stars and moonbeams has strangely tempted me to break my vows and start my very own embarrassing collection of DVD’s…either that or putting up a 5$ prize pool for the kids to see who can find the remote first.

The judges on new Zealand idol last Sunday inflicted carnage on innocent wanabee idols that was unspeakable. Twit judge Paul Ellis was beyond reasonable clout when he asked one singer ‘who told you you could sing?’. The contestant said ‘my mother did’, and Paul said ‘she must be tone deaf’.

What bombs do to buses, judges are doing to fragile people on national television on Sunday nights. She wasn’t a great singer, but you could tell she genuinely believed it in her heart that the noise she made was beautiful to somebody. Ellis’ comments were appalling, cheap, nasty, unnecessary and makes me reach for my imaginary DVD collection and imaginary Marantz plasma screen and press play and if any of my relations end up under the judges knife on that program im gonna just plain shoot up the tv while wearing glasses and sideburns in a frenzied rage, and post pistol smoking i will relax in a lazyboy repeating the rewarding closure of sir Edmund hillary

I knocked the bugger off/I knocked the bugger off/

I knocked the bugger off / I knocked the bugger off.

I say if that’s family television then TVNZ should sponsor every house hold in new zealand with a free steven seigal DVD of their choice.

Forgive me ben lummis, but nz idol makes very feel very black on the sabbath. It’s tv programming for bully’s.

Go eat horse everyone…!!!

You’ve been listening to a very long rant on the generator.

Faretheewell to the Breakfast Host

I am wearing black today, not because im rooting for the all blacks, not because I love ponsonby, not because I paid money for the latest dave dobbyn album, not for the damaged and dead people of London, but I wear black today people in honor of the passing of glen Dwight – better known as glen of the generator.

My debt to him is mountainous. He discovered honest dave when I was a mere nobody – dishonest in fact. No sense of right and wrong, a severed conscience, as dishonest as Robert mugabe playing scrabble. Glen took me from sparodic utterances to the heavyweight world of socio-political radio commentary, to the very top of the airwaves of Hamilton, straight to the pool room of the radio frontier of Hamilton, to the glowing utopia of broadcast – level 3 of the axa building. And there I found nirvana… what we all search for if we look deep within ourselves – the new rock alternative…..

And to think before I was ‘discovered’, I was just like you average people out there who only knew glen in a superficial aural sense, you out there who can only wonder about the man behind the voice, behind the microphone, on the breakfast show. I not only have entered level 3 of the axa building… I have personally met the man behind the voice behind the microphone behind the breakfast show format…….and I am a better person for it.


And so in homage glen, I will rip your staple Top 5 format.

Top 5 reasons why glen is leaving the generator for work in radio in Wellington.

1. Wellington offers sanctuary from militant paparazzi from the Hamilton press who take no prisoners, stalking him all over hamilton in a crusade for the ultimate prize….as yet unsnapped… A shot of glen wearing comfortable shoes with a tidy haircut.

2. wellington embraces masters of alternative radio format who refuse to play supertramp, hello sailer, april sun in cuba and Elton john. To not play Elton john may sound easy but remember – brian tamaki tells us people that the media is a modern day wichcraft controlled by a powerful left homosexual lobby. Elton free radio is no mean feat. Big ups glen.

3. wellington offers organic cafes that are not corporate boardrooms for property developers and careerism.

4. wellington offers new pavements for the naked feet of glen. Like ghandi, and mother Theresa, he refuses material comfort and walks humbly uncovered. His feet have been bored for some time with Alexandra st.and have put in for a transfer.

5. glen’s secret desire to be don brash’s speech writer is now one step closer with a move to the capital.


The breakfast show host is the modern day seer, prophet, confidant, santa claus, informant, a recognized voice, an identity that gives a sense of community to many.


Glen you have served your radio world with verbal gems and a damn fine brew of music, making friends of listeners and listeners out of friends, today we mourn the loss of a personality. It’s as if the wiggles have lost jeff.

In a world of ai quedda terror cells, nz idol, and shopping at the warehouse we have lost our beacon to help us navigate our mornings. We are lost along the waikato river.… the loss of glen Dwight from the generator, to quote bryan adams, cuts like a knife…

Charge your glasses one and all…….All the very best glen…. Always a pleasure never a chore… you will be missed…

You have been listening to honest dave’s rant on the generator

Frost

A couple of weeks back on honest dave’s morning rant, I proposed that FOG could be the zietgiest, the very spin that takes Hamilton into tourist dollars unmatched since Denmark launched LEGOLAND. But I fear I have merely sold half the story, robbed the diary from little India, and asked too much of FOG.

Monday’s FROST was nothing short of pristine. Nothing moves. The air seemed to just dance it’s little cold jig in slo mo. FROST is not an ugly cold – it’s polite, it has manners, it says please and thank you. Monday’s frost was a classic – there’s something about the big fresh, the smoke of breath, the virgin crisp that just reeks of being born again. It’s as if, once in a while the rain takes a sickie and buggers of to the beach with some loose clouds and the wind would like to too but just can’t be fagged and……..?

Mr FROST then silent like a white ninja kicks ass on glass and makes moves on grass. It’s very pleasing.

FROST can of course be mean. Last year’s FROST killed 3 out of 4 of my small green plants I called family. They were outside plants, but still family. They never made it to the deck, never once entered the potted hallowed sanctuary of the lounge where FROST has a trespass order and tv is sometimes on. No, the lower caste plants were bitten in the a.m. and gone by lunch. Who knows the ways of the FROST. People, - it’s a garden out there!

But on Monday, FROST was forgiven. I would have swam in that frost if it was a tad deeper….…..or if I didn’t have breasts. FROSTBATHING is under-rated.

There is something magical about FROST that says all can be redeemed, that the past can be waived, that history need not be repeated. FROST sparkles a second chance even if your on your fourth husband.

FROST whispers to mud – harden up. FROST whispers to water – slow down. FROST says to naked people – put your clothes on.

It is time for HAMILTRON to embrace nature’s taonga in all it’s guise’s. There so is a bone in the marketing cupboard my friends. So what if Ngai tahu have kilo’s of greenstone? And who cares if Huntly has black gold formerly known as coal?

Let’s not be shy!! A winter in hamiltron is absolutely the north island equivalent to a winter in Queenstown or Wanaka – we just don’t have skifields or snow. But we do have FOG and we do have FROST.

I am booking an interview with the mayor, Michael Redman..and I’m walking into his probably not oval office, and I’m gonna wear my white t-shirt emblazoned with our city’s new slogan:

HAMILTON – FOGnFROST

And it will have a picture of 2 very cold shrivalled testicles….. but it won’t be offensive because you won’t see them because of the fog strategically placed over top.

Oh yeah, and then I am going down to patent a new drink. If paeroa can get mileage out of a humble piece of yellow citrus, then Hamilton could bottle it’s FROST, something edgy like that ‘crush’ and I say let’s affiliate with the mandarin. Let’s bottle our frost, add some manda, and launch a tour-de-force crush for the local market and beyond:

…….wait for it

…….drum roll

……..TA DAAAAAAA


‘ICE MANDARIN AND HAMILTON’


lemon and paeroa will be merely an exhibit in te papa that we’ll show our kids. The tron’s new taste will be labeled with 3 juicy images of peeled mandarins dipping salaciously into a white field of FROST tinged with the green of grass, cows in the background.

Genius.

FROST is our friend Hamiltonians – let’s milk it like we milk everything else…

You have not been listening to Honest Dave on the Generator